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April 21, 2024

Live Like an Orthodox Jew

Funny Jewish Humor Living Orthodox 1

A Funny and Jewish Humour Classic

For many Jews returning to Judaism, the road after this return will be a long and winding one.

Questions that you never considered pop up more often and with increasing complexities. Examples of these types of ‘ask-your-rabbi’ inquiries include “where can I eat?”, “what should I read?” and even “what T.V. shows should I watch?” (short answer, none).

To help our lost readers (and we use the term “lost” not in a religious sense, but more to explain how our traffic finds funnyandjewish.com…i.e. by accident), we present another Funny and Jewish Humour Classic: How To Live Like an Orthodox Jew, a Practical Guide for Your Everyday Working Joe-seph.

Here you will find various discussions designed to help you overcome many of the same struggles faced by Jewish “Returnees”.

“A righteous man falls 7 times and rises.

An evil man falls but once.”

(Proverbs 24:16)

Question – What happens when that righteous man falls 5 or even 6 more times? Worse still; what if he’s a perpetual klutz like myself?

Look, We all make mistakes. I’ll be the first to forgive myself: Mea culpa!

The important thing to remember is not to allow your slips and falls to keep you down.

Who is this primer for?

Jews who have tasted the ‘forbidden fruit’, yet have abandoned their old (some might argue evil and wicked) ways to draw closer to God.

Don’t let discouragement get the best of you. Remember, you’re not expected to do everything at once. That is called marriage.

Defining Terms

Someone not raised Jewish Orthodox but who becomes observant is called a ‘Bal-Chuva’ or ba’al-teshuvah.

The proper name for someone who converts to Judaism is ‘N-u-t-s’ (there will be further discussions about “Welcoming Strangers” in future articles).

The word ‘Bal-Chuva’ is beautiful onomatopoeic.

Whenever someone says “Bal-Chuva”, I reflexively answer  “bless you”. To me “Bal-Chuva” sounds like a sneeze. ‘Bal-Chuva!’.  Go ahead and say it to yourself. Quietly or out loud. It’s best if there’s someone else in the room to play off of. If not, fine. I don’t care. Go ahead. Try it: “Bal-Chuva”, “Bless You.” I’ll wait.

Jewish Fine Dining Is An Oxymoron

Eating kosher is a lot like being pregnant – either you are or aren’t. Similarly, the issue of whether a restaurant is kosher is also both simple and straightforward. Either it is or it isn’t.

Look for a sign.

Not from heaven. But one saying  ‘Kosher’.

Don’t be misled by restaurants advertising ‘Kosher Style’.

Have you ever seen a bistro offering Vegetarian-Style, Vegan-Style or even Halel-Style food for that matter?

No. I didn’t think so. And you won’t…unless of course, they’re run by Jews.

Jews also never “see” any religious apparitions when eating out. There is no Rabbi worth his weight in mitzvahs who ever witnessed anything Biblical while eating out, with the exception of the 40 years it took for his order to arrive.

Never will you hear anything like: “I was in my favorite kosher deli when I saw the image of Moses in my corned beef sandwich parting the gravy ($1.50 extra).

It just never happens.

– End of Part 1 –

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One Response “Live Like an Orthodox Jew”

  1. Jew Jew Humour
    April 20, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    Hello! Your layout look great though!

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