At 9 feet and 3/4 inches, Goliath is by far the tallest preschooler we’ve ever had. Continuing where last-year’s report card left off, it was an absolute pleasure teaching your son the exact same things once again for a record-breaking 13th year!
As I am retiring, I thought it best to leave you these thoughts that more or less echo everything that I have been saying for13 years . If he was Jewish I’d wish him mazel tov on his bar mitzvah. But he’s not; so I won’t. So let’s now get on with it.
Where to begin? Your son has major delusions of adequacy. Whereas most children work to raise their learning bar, Goliath sets his standards so low and fails to achieve them. He is one of the most crude, vulgar and ill-mannered Philistines I have ever seen and believe me, that says a lot. His indifference to authority is alarming.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I can’t find any areas that need improvement. I also cannot understand why you insist on keeping him in school where his natural gifts are stifled.
You expressed concern earlier this year about Goliath’s “aggressive social skills”. These I can assure you are equally unwarranted. Our guidance counselor tells me that your son is merely searching for new ways to express his hostility. All he needs is a creative outlet. He suggested 2 career paths: Sports and the Army.
Regarding sports, your son can be a superstar. The boy is a natural. During recess Goliath loves to play ‘King of the Hill’. Let’s face it; he is the hill. No one can beat him. He’s the Inner-City Champion! With his size and all-or-nothing personality do you think he wants to be a lawyer? We don’t even have laws in this country. We’re Philistines for crying out loud! Conflict resolution is the least of our concerns.
Which brings me to recommendation #2, The Army. He’s his own platoon. His love for taunting children with “sticks and stones may break my bones” is music to a recruiter’s ears. Because his promotion through the ranks is a ‘gimmie’ (would you say no?), I am in agreement in recommending a career as a Philistine warrior. Goliath’s arrogance will make us all very proud.
Have a good life.