Funny Jewish Health Advice with Humour
Please also visit Why Be A Vegan?
Guest post – Dr. Vegan Jones.
Why are there so many fat kosher vegans out there? How could that ever happen on their ubber restrictive diets?
They must be lying to us, and most importantly lying to themselves. They are simply eating more than their ‘plant and grub’ daily intake allows.
Did these newly minted vegans just decide 5 minutes ago that after decades of stuffing their body like Pizza Hut ovens, that right there and then and all of a sudden, they finally resolved (5 MINUTES AGO!) that they would never, ever, ever eat any meat, cheese, fish, or anything that you’d think of ever putting BBQ sauce on ever again?
Or maybe not.
In trying to explain this vegan craze (and by craze I mean that there are 38+ BING returns for the search Vegan Craze [try it yourself and click!]), I decided to deeply explore the culinary advantages of a vegan diet.
Hmmmmm….
Know what?
Personal experience tells me that when you ask a vegan why they chose to become a vegan, they’ll extol virtues of all the health benefits accrued from adopting this alternative lifestyle.
What’s most bizarre about their foodie fixations are the personal denials and reluctant admissions that their meal variety is so woefully lacking.
Maybe the happiness equation for vegans is a simple one: a limited food choice = an ease of life, …thus accounting for what attracts people to becoming vegans.
Hmmmmm.
Once again, here’s my experiential take on reality:
Recipes for vegans can be written on the backs of matchbooks and business cards. That explains why vegans are always so eager to share all their recipes with you… because it doesn’t take them any time to do so.
Like a vegan pizza – also known as a plain cracker, once the cheese and meat toppings have been removed.
And by now you are probably asking yourself, what is the P.S. to all of this? If there is a post script, it would be this simple question:
P.S. “And just what are their kid’s birthday parties like?”
Hmmmmm… Blowing out the birthday compost pie sounds absolutely fabulous! Who wants the first piece?
Agree or disagree, I’m feeling a little bit hungry now myself.
Bon appetite.
Dr. Vegan Jones.
(Dr. Vegan Jones is neither a doctor nor a vegan, but offers advice freely on both).
Please also visit Why Be A Vegan?
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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Guest post – Dr. Vegan Jones.
Funny Jewish Health Advice with Humour
Let’s begin the conversation by asking the obvious question: Why would anyone choose to become a vegan? I mean willingly, given the gift of free will.
Like most people, I try to eat a balanced diet culled from as many different food groups that my spare change permits.
Conversely, a well balanced ‘vegan diet’, herein referred to as the ‘plant and grub diet’, is limited by a much smaller range of available choices.
Most doctors support the healthy food choices made by vegans such as eating extra fruit, swallowing more vegetables and consuming vast quantities of whole grains.
Doctors also agree that a vegan’s diet is high in antioxidants and fibre, reducing the likelihood of diabetes, heart disease and some cancers. But so can quitting smoking, eating bran flakes and not locking yourself in a car while the engine is on, and the garage door closed.
So please tell me. Seriously…, why?
I ask because many years ago… I once knew a vegan.
This vegan (not a nameless person, but a grown man with a name who will simply be referred to as “the vegan”) was my next-door neighbor in a trendy part of town.
We were both accomplished musicians living above a sub joint and a dry cleaner. They didn’t bother us and we didn’t bother them. It was an ecosystem of mutual disregard.
We’d jam for hours all day and then snack afterwards well into the night, eating whatever we felt like, and lots of it. Life was great.
My friend subsequently developed a litany of stomach problems and his selection of allowable edibles became quickly limited. My friend soon realized that he had no option but to stare into the abyss of veganism.
He jumped in with full force, quickly adopting the life of an orthodox vegan.
It’s like a twist on the old saying: some people are born into veganism while others, like my friend, had veganism thrust upon him.
The take away from this is that all vegans can be relied upon to be a great source for other people’s humour. I know, I know, you’ve heard all the jokes before; but this next one is the best –
Question: What’s the difference between a plant and a vegan?
Answer: A plant consumes energy.
To conclude Part 1, Funny And Jewish.com now holds the #1 Google spot for searches of “Jewish Vegan Humour” with Is Veganism the New Zionism? article. Thanx for clicking. Seriously, give a click!
(Dr. Vegan Jones is neither a doctor nor a vegan, but offers advice freely on both).
End ‘O Part 1
Please also visit Why Be A Vegan? Part 2
FunnyAndJewish.com You can click that too!
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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Vegans, Jews and Zionism
I had been asked to comment on the following resolution:
“Resolved: Veganism is the new Zionism.”
Could it be true? I started to wonder aloud to myself …ARE THEY SO SIMILAR, THEY’RE THE SAME?
According to an old proverb “There are no stupid questions”.
REALLY?
As a matter of fact there are; and the answer to this one is “No, veganism is not the new Zionism” and here’s the why –
Zionists and vegans view the world through 2 different lenses.
Vegans see meat, eggs and cheese as things to be avoided in the world. Zionists, on the other hand, see them as tools to use as weapons to oppose anyone else preventing them from fulfilling God’s biblical prophecy of living in Israel.
Vegans are nothing like Zionists because every Zionist has 1 true homeland that is Israel. You could say that a Vegan’s homeland is wherever that vegan finds himself looking at the ground to find a place to plant his breakfast.
Here’s another difference: a Zionist might find himself at war if Israel were to be attacked. A vegan could probably go through his entire life without ever seeing 5 minutes of military action if he lives in virtually any other free country.
Here’s another: Vegans have never been collectively accused of either world domination or of controlling the world’s banks. The fact that there is no “blood libel” against vegans speaks volumes, while also accounting for their high-conversion rate.
More stupid conversations about Zionists and vegans continue to abound in the Twitter universe:
Can a Zionist be a vegan?
(Yes.)
Can a vegan be a Zionist?
(Yes.)
If they’re the same, then why don’t you also capitalize the ”V” in vegan?
(…)
Let’s define our terms so we’re all on the same page in this discussion.
Who is a Zionist?
According to the Jewish Virtual Library, Zionism simply means the national movement for the return of the Jewish people to their homeland and the resumption of Jewish sovereignty in the Land of Israel.
Who is a vegan?
Indeed. Vegans don’t look any more different than you or I, excluding those of us who don’t always look perpetually exhausted or sickly.
A vegan’s diet is plant-based; not eating or using any animal by-products including meat, milk, honey, eggs or wax fruit (just checking if you’re paying attention). Orthodox vegans are also inclined to avoid wearing anything made from silk, wool and leather, as well as any other animal products for clothing or for practical use.
While disagreements have led to divisions within the Zionist movement (splinter groups have emerged, most notably Political Zionism, Socialist Zionism and Religious Zionism), no such nonsense exists in a vegan’s world.
There is very little disagreement among vegans regarding what literally constitutes “eating a living thing”. It’s pretty straightforward. In fact, there seems to be a sense of calm dwelling within practicing vegans, one that remains forever foreign and quite elusive to the Zionist.
Speaking of which, Zionists also seem to be much louder than vegans. Vegans don’t bark at you when you’re out at a deli. They seldom have enough energy… Have you ever heard of a militant vegan? Can they even be weaponized?
The Bible enumerates animals prohibited for consumption (bats, pigs, insects, etc.) only to help identify and classify those animals whose meat is permitted (cows, chickens, certain fish).
Let’s back things up. Nowhere in Judaism is eating meat prohibited (excluding fast days). Indeed, vegetarianism is never endorsed as a morally superior life style. Most Biblical festivals in Israel (Zionists by nature) involved the consumption of meat. Today there are rabbinic opinions that argue a “meal” that does not include meat, does not qualify as a true (i.e. legal) holiday meal!
For Zionists living in Israel, it’s very difficult to be a vegan. For vegans, it is not very difficult to live outside of Israel.
In Biblical days, Jews were religiously obligated to eat meat, specifically roasted meat on Passover. They could not abstain from fear of rising cholesterol.
Speaking of Zionists, has the United Nations ever passed a resolution in the General Assembly equating veganism with racism? F.Y.I., it was a charitable N.G.O. that likened veganism with vegetarianism. That resolution was also subsequently abolished courtesy of a very small, but powerful European-based vegetarian lobby group with tentacles deep in Washington D.C.
Jewish texts are replete with examples of meat consumption. For example, when Abraham invited guests he served meat, not tofu. When the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, they were given quail to eat. And Temple donations were made in the form of animals, eventually eaten by the high priests.
You don’t have to be religious to be a Zionist, but you can be a religious vegan. Are you confused yet? Read on.
If a Zionist was stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat but animals, would he eat meat? You bet he would! I’m also betting that a starving vegan would also eat the meat just as fast as the Zionist. Come to think of it, a stranded vegan might also drink his own urine.
Just the same, I’d sooner cook for myself.
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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