Jewish Humour
In a decisive move intended to break deadlocked Israeli-Palestinian negotiations, Chief Palestinian mediator Saeb Erakt is prepared to recognize the United States as a Jewish State.
The thinking behind this decision is there are simply more Jews in the U.S. than in Israel. The dramatic announcement is believed intended to force direct face-to-face talks, whose end game is the creation of a Palestinian state (in this universe).
Unnamed Palestinian sources (though JeWikiLeaks released the names of their spouses) confirmed that a Palestinian state would fully welcome the Jewish State, providing it remained within the continental United States.
The proposal comes with additional preconditions, however. The Palestinian Authority demand an immediate freeze on all Jewish settlements in Lakewood NJ, South East Florida and all of Hollywood. Mel Gibson will raise a glass or 2 (hundred) on this last one.
”It’s all about compromise” Erakt said with a straight face. “That’s what Arabs do”, although he couldn’t come up with a single historical example. “We also insist on racially profiling anyone who’s remotely funny and Jewish (i.e. infidels). And we ask that everyone kindly turn a blind eye to honor killings.”
Israel responded by offering to build entire villages on Arab land anywhere outside of Israel, including London.
Proposal’s Pros: The numbers make sense.
There are more Jews who live in the U.S. than Israel (6.5 vs. 5.77 million). If the majority of Jews live in the Diaspora, then that is where you put their country.
To bend a phrase, if the Jews won’t go to Israel, then Israel will go to the Jews. Or as Mike Brady said in The Brady Bunch Movie: “Wherever you go, there you are.”
If achieved, the demographic implications resulting from this land-transfer would be staggering and could come back to bite the United Arab Emirates in their barrels.
Iranian President and Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stands the most to lose. Ahmadinejad would wake up to a new existential threat facing his country when seemingly over-night, the “Little Satan” had blossomed into a full “Uber Satan”, transforming “The Zionist Enemy” into the world’s #1 military super power.
Proposal’s Cons: The numbers don’t make sense.
While 45% of the world’s Jews live in America, the US Jewish population as a percent of the entire US is negligible. What’s the point of having a Zionist country where the Zionists make up less than 2% of the population? The odds are better to stay in Israel where support seldom drops bellow double digits.
Should we buy into this pledge?
By all means, yes we should. And why not? This is as ridiculous as every other Palestinian proposal sold as a “willingness to promote peace”. Let Israel take its’ usual wait-and-see approach i.e. wait and see how long it takes for the Palestinians to abrogate their commitments.
Previous guarantees to include maps of Israeli cities with their corresponding Hebrew names in school textbooks or removing Palestinian children’s programming that glorify martyrdom come to mind. These promises were dedicated with as much sincerity as this current, vacuous proposal.
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Jewish HumourIn a highly unusual gesture reserved only for an exceptionally close ally, the White House announced that US President Barack Obama would meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu every day for the entire month of November.
The Israeli response was immediate: a complete relaxation of all concerns regarding Iran’s nuclear agenda. Easy-Peasy.
An Israeli official who couldn’t be identified but swore he only sounded like Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu because he had a cold, said the White House had consented to Netanyahu’s request to meet with Obama every day for 30 days so they could spend their time drawing red lines (presumably around Iran).
However, a bug may have been planted in Netanyahu’s ear after an Israeli cultural attaché pointed out that December contains 1 extra day, or an additional 24 hours to paint red lines.
Nevertheless, the 30-day welcome averts any potential plunge in U.S.-Israeli relations in the final stretch of a tight presidential election campaign.
…And everyone is happy.
Funny And Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) web site.
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US President Barak Obama has once again signaled a radical departure from previous administrations by calling for the creation of a Palestinian state on pre-1948 Israeli borders.
Although clearly denying as such, the White House appears to have acquiesced to the Arab demand that any peace agreement be contingent on Israel’s withdrawal to borders that existing before the Jewish State was created.
“The Choice Before the Palestinians and Those Other Guys is Simple”…
In what can be described as the wild speculations of a man unfamiliar with this planet, President Obama remarked that there can only one be one decision for two peoples.
“The choice placed before the Palestinians and those other guys is simple: if a strong peace is going to happen, the status quo cannot be maintained. And by status quo, I mean anything that those other guys want.”
This about-face in US policy caught the Israelis off guard. It was not made clear, which pre-1948 borders the U.S. President was referring to when he spoke of territorial “land swaps”.
Did he mean that Israelis (now officially referred to as ‘illegal occupants awaiting expulsion’) should return to the pre 1947 or post British-mandated borders accepted by the friendly faces at the United Nations on November 29 1947? F.Y.I. Those faces at the UN don’t look any friendlier 64 years later.
Israel Rebukes US, Offers Counter-Proposal
At the White House, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu flat-out rejected this two-state vision. Speaking with his back to the President, he balked at any plans that might compromise Israel’s security. He further demanded to know how much influence his former pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright Jr. had in drafting the US plan before offering a counter-proposal of his own.
“Here’s the thing”, the PM said bluntly. “Well-educated people like former Washington press correspondent Helen Thomas are always suggesting that we Jews should go back to where “we came from”. In her mind its Germany, Poland or wherever, but we know our history and our home is Israel.”
We’ll Return …To Pre Solomonic Borders!
The Prime Minister then redrew a map of the Middle East before the President could finish turning around.
“Not to sound disrespectful, but this is a problem only King Solomon could solve. And seeing as only King Solomon could settle this dispute, we propose a return to his original borders. You want us to revert to the past? We’ll go back even farther than 1948. How does 961 B.C.E. sound?”
It sounded too good to be true, Obama thought to himself. But could Jews really travel back in time? Yes they could, Netanyahu thought back. And they can also read minds.
“Oh, just one more thing”, said Netanyahu doing his best Lieutenant Columbo impression. “I intend to cap my political career in a similar fashion to King Solomon’s… by building the Third Temple on Jewish land, anywhere we want to in Jerusalem. Even if that means upsetting people like Helen Thomas.”
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Editorial
Being modest torchbearers for matters funny and Jewish, we feel incumbent to respond to the current events in San Francisco concerning a proposal to ban infant bris/circumcisions.
Accordingly, this proposition would take away a parent’s right to choose, transferring that decision to the child once he reaches the age of majority (where of course, pain and sheer common sense are not considerations).
We can no longer look away and pretend that this is not really happening. Although that is how we best cope at circumcisions anyway. If the ‘foreskinites’ have their way, performing a circumcision on an infant will become a chargeable offense.
Two things will happen if they, i.e. the ‘foreskinites’ are successful:
(1) We will lose sponsors for our readers to boycott.
(2) Sending your son for a religious nip ‘n tuck will result in a misdemeanor charge and $1000 fine or jail.
How Can You Boycott Something That’s Not There?
For most humor websites, ad sponsorships represent opportunities to generate revenue. For us however, ads enable FunnyAndJewish to make political statements.
We may not stand by our sponsors, but we support their right to be boycotted. Without their contributions, we would not be able to draw your attention to their services so that you could, in turn, boycott them.
The reasoning is both as flawless and as sound as the website it helped establish.
To help illustrate this point, Al’s Bris and Catering and Hy’s Hemp Sukkahs are two new and welcomed participants to our ad campaign. (Click to visit them if you want, we don’t care).
By their standards, their campaigns are successful; people are clicking on their ads to find what they’re all about. From our perspective, they’re also successful because no one is buying anything from them. We’re both happy.
Most importantly, it is a win-win for you because our readers are now the most educated participants of any Jewish boycott the world over, bar none!
However, if circumcision bans pass, Al goes mobile and head for the hills. No more slicing and dicing means no more advertising from Al. No advertising means nothing to boycott. And no one wins….not Al, not us, not you, no one!
Consequently, everyone at FunnyAndJewish, from our writers to our charwomen are unanimously opposed to the current referendum.
To be specific, we are opposed to the present proposition as it stands.
Why? Because it doesn’t go far enough!
If circumcision is truly child abuse equatable with female genital mutilation, then the mumzers responsible for such heinous acts must be brought to justice and locked away before they can pose an even greater threat to society.
If circumcision is indeed San Francisco’s crime of the century, then that procedure should never be an option, even at the age of 18. Instead, it should be reserved solely as a replacement for the electric chair.
Think about it.
What is regarded by some to be “unnecessary, uncivilized and barbaric torture” at 8 days of age must be equally so at 18 years. Therefore, we can only conclude that the San Francisco ‘foreskinites’ are pantywaist pretenders who are too wishy-washy to take a genuine stand.
Real Jewish men decide to circumcise their boys at 8 days (see your rabbi for exceptions, taxes extra, dealers may sell for less). What real men don’t do, quite clearly, is delay that decision for 18 years and off-load it onto their kids. That is not what God or common sense deems sensible.
Finally, consider the following questions:
Where will the prohibition on infant bris/circumcisions stop and who will be next on the anti-bris hit list? Will the ban be retroactive with no grandfather clause, thus enabling the city to mandate foreskin reattachment through grafting?
Look, we get sick and squeamish just thinking about it. And considering that we love herring with onions…(really, and after scotch), that says quite a lot!