An outbreak of boorish behavior in Lebanon has left over 9,800 locals offended with international fingers now pointing at the UN peacekeeping troops stationed there.

According to well-placed Lebanese public etiquette officials, the recent upsurge in rudeness is “most likely” attributed to a UN soldiers camp “and you know how those boys talk.”

The United Nations remains united in denying any complicity, and continues to offer prewritten quotes from an internal report that concluded it is never possible to find fault with the UN (in general) and UN soldiers (specifically) for anything. “Period.”

Despite growing suspicions surrounding UN-Lebanese peacekeeping etiquette, UN Secretary General Ban Ki “call me Keith” Moon insists that it is just simply impossible to verify the origins of the offensive behavior.

A UN Watch investigation, however, revealed that inadequate verbal self-restraint and potty-mouthed outbursts from UN troops were really to blame for contaminating local Lebanese ears.

As a consequence, UN troops must now be thoroughly trained in good manners and civil comportment.

The UN Secretary, meanwhile, continues to dodge behind an equally pressing issue: the current optics suggest that the UN is hiding behind a report whose conclusion is dubious at best, even for a UN report.

While no one has deliberately accused the UN of “poisoning the ears of any Lebanese”, it is hard not to feel for the 9,800 Muslims, Christians and Druze (not a single Jew to spit on!) who suffered at the hands of those uncouth UN soldiers.

Might legal action be next?

Yes.

Yes.

And Yes.

Especially when you consider that Lebanon is a country where public etiquette is taken very seriously. F.Y.I. Insults are a crime and several witty comebacks can land someone 10 years in Beirut solitary.

Yes…, very serious indeed.

So serious in fact, that Jewish layers are now being aggressively courted to represent these very “victims of UN atrocity”. And you know that these Lebanese victims won’t be coming cheap. Not when considering that recent claims against the UN for “hurt feelings” are now averaging $100,000 per (all figures in US dollars).

Jewish Humour

“More Violations Than a UN Agreement!”

Take note: that above expression will soon be be the newest phrase around your daily office cooler.

This story continues to follow our Funny and Jewish feature on Syria Agrees to Observe an Eclipse.

The Syrian observation of a UN-led solar eclipse was somewhat marred earlier today when sporadic carnage broke out after only 5 minutes of celestial darkness. Moments earlier, Syria’s air force neglected to fire a single missile or drop 1 barrel-bomb on rebel strongholds, as Syrian opposition fighters also refused to attack any regime positions.

For 5 whole minute!

Syrians of all political stripes and affiliations, civilians and military personnel alike cast their eyes skyward; all while UN forces mediated the distribution of safety protective eye wear.

In a war that quite frankly has taken a frustratingly long time to take hold, this one is becoming pretty boring to follow.

Activists, terrorists, militants, fighters and union members have all accused the others of almost as many violations as Israel has been accused of at the United Nations.

5 minutes following the eclipse and just as the sun’s corona broke, 110 Syrians were immediately killed; a body count similar to the previous day’s entire death toll.

Can you imagine religious Jewish families (or even non-religious Jewish families) halting their food preparations in order to fight? Fight instead of Eat? And these weren’t just any meal preparation mind you. But food preparations for a 4-day holy feast no less!

We know: It sounds as nuts as it reads.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has indicated that he will observe a UN brokered total eclipse of the sun, an Arab League spokesman said today.

“We have every indication to believe that they (the Syrian government) will adhere to a cessation of all hostilities while the moon passes itself between the earth and the sun. After that, all bets are off.”

Since a UN envoy reported this story, it has been treated as nothing less than a tremendous victory throughout the bulging corridors of the United Nations.

At a closed door hot tub think-tank session, ambassadors to the 15-nation member Security Council were confident that hot towels and a brief truce were both close at hand.

Some savvy political analysts, however, see the Syrian move as a thinly disguised ruse. They contend that the Syrian government only accepted this proposal, the first ever UN-brokered solar eclipse as a mere stalling tactic i.e. simply a means to arm, rearm and advance under the supernatural cloak and cover of an eclipse-induced darkness.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard” the author of this piece was quoted as thinking just before he wrote it.

“On the other hand, who cares?” he thought and with that, the Syrian ceasefire looked to take hold.

The UN issued a statement supporting the eclipse, which is scheduled to begin Friday morning and extend well into the mid-day. A UN ceasefire record.

There was no elaboration on how such a truce would be enforced. However, it is understood that UN monitors have been ready for weeks to be deployed on Syrian ground to dispense protective eye-wear to both Syrians soldiers and the rebel fighters who, under UN auspices, must observe the eclipse safely.

The previous UN envoy, Kofi Annan, once tried to negotiate a more over-ambitious celestial armistice involving the complete realignment of our planets. Both sides immediately accused the other of violating the agreement.

Now, when put into that context, this current UN proposal has some merit.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website.

A poorly written UN document laden with spelling mistakes and English mistranslations, has left Palestinian government officials without jobs and no new country of their own to destroy.

As told by former Senior Aide and Palestinian Authority Spokesman Nabil Abu Rdaineh, President Mahmud Abbas was in the process of proudly making a unilateral declaration for ‘Palestinian Statehood’, when he instead reflexively declared a “Palestinian State of Emergency”.

In that single moment, all hopes for the creation of a 23rd Arab country were once again dashed.

Oops, We Did It Again

After failing to divert attention away from his catastrophic misstep (including rattling shiny keys, performing various card tricks and a fractured rendition of the 1950’s song ‘The Name Game’), Abbas collectively blamed and then fired his entire retinue of hand-picked assistants, none of whom could claim English as their 1st, 2nd or even 4th language.

Before leaving the podium, the diplomatically challenged President felt it necessary to sing 12 additional rounds of ‘The Name Game’, beginning each time with a name corresponding to each of his 12 former advisors.

The change in Abbas’ mood was noticeably dramatic, at which point he began to speak of a “new willingness” to work with the United States and Israel on a “declaration of principles” toward a peace agreement.

To fully appreciate this in its historical context, today marks the only occasion when the word “principles” has ever been linked with President Abbas or any member of the Palestinian Authority.

The Pavlovian exercise that has become Obama’s US-Middle East policy was once again in full swing by late-day. It was left to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to fly off to Ramallah and mollify this tear-filled daycare center by presenting Abbas with 2 cheques for $80 million US dollars, a portion to be distributed amongst the entire Arab population with the other half to cover Palestinian Government expenses.

And both were made payable ‘to cash’.

To be continued… and continued…

Funny And Jewish is a satirical humour website

Funny and Jewish Middle-East Humour

Dateline: A Hole in Gaza –

Retiring Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has refused the latest U. N. offer to deploy armed “Peace Keepers” along any future Israel/Palestinian borders. The plan designed to weaken Hamas while reinforcing regional security was originally conceived by former U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan as a personal pet project designed to “keep myself busy once out of office”.

Yesterday morning, Annan’s phone rang with a voice that surprisingly did not belong to a tele-marketer. The Palestinians were said to be “on side” providing that the I.D.F. (Israeli Defense Force) be installed with a new mandate to protect Palestinians from each other.

“Let’s be serious for once.”

Addressing reporters, Abbas acknowledged speaking to Mr. Annan earlier, while also referring to the original proposal as being both laughable and unworkable. “Come now boys let’s be serious for once. The UN wants ‘Peace Keepers’? Look around here. Do you see any peace to keep? And while we’re at it; who designed those dreadful UN uniforms? You can see those blue helmets from a mile high. Or so I’ve been told.”

Feeling comfortable once again amidst all the confusion, the former Secretary General agreed with himself that the name United Nations is both inaccurate and misleading, leaving the once venerated institution liable to lawsuits and claims of false marketing. In a communiqué released to a group of pigeons that he was feeding over lunch, Mr. Annan acknowledged that the day’s events had indeed convinced him of the inevitability of a ‘Two-State’ solution:  i.e. the State of Israel on one side, living safely and securely beside a State of Anarchy on the other.

Funny And Jewish is a satirical Jewish humor site.