In a decisive move intended to break deadlocked Israeli-Palestinian negotiations, Chief Palestinian mediator Saeb Erakt is prepared to recognize the United States as a Jewish State.

The thinking behind this decision is there are simply more Jews in the U.S. than in Israel. The dramatic announcement is believed intended to force direct face-to-face talks, whose end game is the creation of a Palestinian state (in this universe).

Unnamed Palestinian sources (though JeWikiLeaks released the names of their spouses) confirmed that a Palestinian state would fully welcome the Jewish State, providing it remained within the continental United States.

The proposal comes with additional preconditions, however. The Palestinian Authority demand an immediate freeze on all Jewish settlements in Lakewood NJ, South East Florida and all of Hollywood. Mel Gibson will raise a glass or 2 (hundred) on this last one.

”It’s all about compromise” Erakt said with a straight face. “That’s what Arabs do”, although he couldn’t come up with a single historical example. “We also insist on racially profiling anyone who’s remotely funny and Jewish (i.e. infidels). And we ask that everyone kindly turn a blind eye to honor killings.”

Israel  responded by offering to build entire villages on Arab land anywhere outside of Israel, including London.

Proposal’s Pros: The numbers make sense.

There are more Jews who live in the U.S. than Israel (6.5 vs. 5.77 million). If the majority of Jews live in the Diaspora, then that is where you put their country.

To bend a phrase, if the Jews won’t go to Israel, then Israel will go to the Jews. Or as Mike Brady said in The Brady Bunch Movie: “Wherever you go, there you are.”

If achieved, the demographic implications resulting from this land-transfer would be staggering and could come back to bite the United Arab Emirates in their barrels.

Iranian President and Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stands the most to lose. Ahmadinejad would wake up to a new existential threat facing his country when seemingly over-night, the “Little Satan” had blossomed into a full “Uber Satan”, transforming “The Zionist Enemy” into the world’s #1 military super power.

Proposal’s Cons: The numbers don’t make sense.

While 45% of the world’s Jews live in America, the US Jewish population as a percent of the entire US is negligible. What’s the point of having a Zionist country where the Zionists make up less than 2% of the population? The odds are better to stay in Israel where support seldom drops bellow double digits.

Should we buy into this pledge?

By all means, yes we should. And why not? This is as ridiculous as every other Palestinian proposal sold as a “willingness to promote peace”. Let Israel take its’ usual wait-and-see approach i.e. wait and see how long it takes for the Palestinians to abrogate their commitments.

Previous guarantees to include maps of Israeli cities with their corresponding Hebrew names in school textbooks or removing Palestinian children’s programming that glorify martyrdom come to mind. These promises were dedicated with as much sincerity as this current, vacuous proposal.

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The body of former PLO leader Yasser Arafat will be exhumed so that an autopsy can be conducted years following his death.

The investigation comes after a French court (surprise!) initiated a murder investigation (bombshell) after a Swiss institute (love their neutrality and their refusal to take sides when it counts) announced that “suspicious” findings (in a Clinton/Monica Lewinsky way) were found on his clothing.

Interestingly enough, the clothing samples were supplied by his trophy-widow Suha; who by the way, chose not to live along side her beloved husband in their Ramallah compound love-nest, but instead ensconced herself and her millions alone in Paris…. just saying.

The Palestinian committee in charge of leading this investigation is as reliable as every other Palestinian committee that has preceded it, which is to say that it is of absolutely no use at all.

There have been conspiratorial mumblings over the past 8 years from the usual suspects of an Israeli assassination. Hmmm.

Really…, after the Israeli army kept him alive…, surrounding his Ramallah love-in (which we now know had ample room for overnight guests) for over 2 1⁄2 years. Ya, there’s a conspiracy.

IS THIS A DISTRACTION FROM GAZA?

Regrettably, there is no Jewish law that permits the Israeli government from exhuming the bodies of Israeli politicians as a diversion every time an Arab/Palestinian rocket lands on Israeli soil.

Remember, one man’s scientist is another man’s anti-Semite and just like the Monica Lewinsky case, Palestinian sympathizers everywhere will try to lay claim that the DNA on “the dead guy’s clothes” proves something sinister.

However, for the record (and CD and MP3s), Israel eight years later continues to deny any involvement in the former terrorist’s death. And that includes paying for Arafat’s clothes to be dry-cleaned following his funeral.

But as the now famous saying goes, “if the Yasser don’t fit, you must acquit!”
Funny Jewish Humour

“More Violations Than a UN Agreement!”

Take note: that above expression will soon be be the newest phrase around your daily office cooler.

This story continues to follow our Funny and Jewish feature on Syria Agrees to Observe an Eclipse.

The Syrian observation of a UN-led solar eclipse was somewhat marred earlier today when sporadic carnage broke out after only 5 minutes of celestial darkness. Moments earlier, Syria’s air force neglected to fire a single missile or drop 1 barrel-bomb on rebel strongholds, as Syrian opposition fighters also refused to attack any regime positions.

For 5 whole minute!

Syrians of all political stripes and affiliations, civilians and military personnel alike cast their eyes skyward; all while UN forces mediated the distribution of safety protective eye wear.

In a war that quite frankly has taken a frustratingly long time to take hold, this one is becoming pretty boring to follow.

Activists, terrorists, militants, fighters and union members have all accused the others of almost as many violations as Israel has been accused of at the United Nations.

5 minutes following the eclipse and just as the sun’s corona broke, 110 Syrians were immediately killed; a body count similar to the previous day’s entire death toll.

Can you imagine religious Jewish families (or even non-religious Jewish families) halting their food preparations in order to fight? Fight instead of Eat? And these weren’t just any meal preparation mind you. But food preparations for a 4-day holy feast no less!

We know: It sounds as nuts as it reads.

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Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has indicated that he will observe a UN brokered total eclipse of the sun, an Arab League spokesman said today.

“We have every indication to believe that they (the Syrian government) will adhere to a cessation of all hostilities while the moon passes itself between the earth and the sun. After that, all bets are off.”

Since a UN envoy reported this story, it has been treated as nothing less than a tremendous victory throughout the bulging corridors of the United Nations.

At a closed door hot tub think-tank session, ambassadors to the 15-nation member Security Council were confident that hot towels and a brief truce were both close at hand.

Some savvy political analysts, however, see the Syrian move as a thinly disguised ruse. They contend that the Syrian government only accepted this proposal, the first ever UN-brokered solar eclipse as a mere stalling tactic i.e. simply a means to arm, rearm and advance under the supernatural cloak and cover of an eclipse-induced darkness.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard” the author of this piece was quoted as thinking just before he wrote it.

“On the other hand, who cares?” he thought and with that, the Syrian ceasefire looked to take hold.

The UN issued a statement supporting the eclipse, which is scheduled to begin Friday morning and extend well into the mid-day. A UN ceasefire record.

There was no elaboration on how such a truce would be enforced. However, it is understood that UN monitors have been ready for weeks to be deployed on Syrian ground to dispense protective eye-wear to both Syrians soldiers and the rebel fighters who, under UN auspices, must observe the eclipse safely.

The previous UN envoy, Kofi Annan, once tried to negotiate a more over-ambitious celestial armistice involving the complete realignment of our planets. Both sides immediately accused the other of violating the agreement.

Now, when put into that context, this current UN proposal has some merit.

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Jewish Humour

In a highly unusual gesture reserved only for an exceptionally close ally, the White House announced that US President Barack Obama would meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu every day for the entire month of November.

The Israeli response was immediate: a complete relaxation of all concerns regarding Iran’s nuclear agenda. Easy-Peasy.

An Israeli official who couldn’t be identified but swore he only sounded like Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu because he had a cold, said the White House had consented to Netanyahu’s request to meet with Obama every day for 30 days so they could spend their time drawing red lines (presumably around Iran).

However, a bug may have been planted in Netanyahu’s ear after an Israeli cultural attaché pointed out that December contains 1 extra day, or an additional 24 hours to paint red lines.

Nevertheless, the 30-day welcome averts any potential plunge in U.S.-Israeli relations in the final stretch of a tight presidential election campaign.

…And everyone is happy.

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Syria is the primary destination for Iranian funny gag gifts like fake vomit, stink bombs and poo-poo cushions, a direct violation of a UN ban on anything remotely funny exported by the Islamic Republic

According to a new Turkish report on Iran sanction busting, Syria remains only one of a handful of countries that still find Iranians and their practical jokes funny.

News of the report came as Tehran and the UN try to resolve their differences concerning Iran’s nuclear ambitions. The UN wants to curtail them; Iran wants to blow up the UN.

Three large shipments from Iran to Syria have been monitored over the past year.

The report says, “Iran continues to defy the international community through the illegitimate vending of amusing knick-knacks, humorous chachkas and sheer gross-out novelty items.”

All of which underscores the point that Syria remains a central party to the illicit transfer of funny Iranian souvenirs.

The second shipment involved dribble cups that France said was destined for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s inner circle.

Armaments Iran sent Syria that were intercepted by Turkish authorities include itching powder, remote control fart blasters, flies in ice cubes, snapping gum, shocking pens, fake lotto tickets, imitation doggy doo doo and trick birthday candles (you just can’t blow them out – simply hilarious!).

The most recent incident was an illegal shipment of Iranian smelly spray found in the hollowed out legs of a donkey seized as it was crossing the Turkish/Syrian border. Turkey has since imposed an arms embargo on Syria.

It is difficult to guess at this point how the UN Security Council might act. Remember, last year’s report was blocked by Syria’s best-friend and drinking buddy, Russia.

While Iran publicly rejects all allegations of developing nuclear weapons, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continues to publicly lust for the ability to one day produce a nuclear whoopee cushion.

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A poorly written UN document laden with spelling mistakes and English mistranslations, has left Palestinian government officials without jobs and no new country of their own to destroy.

As told by former Senior Aide and Palestinian Authority Spokesman Nabil Abu Rdaineh, President Mahmud Abbas was in the process of proudly making a unilateral declaration for ‘Palestinian Statehood’, when he instead reflexively declared a “Palestinian State of Emergency”.

In that single moment, all hopes for the creation of a 23rd Arab country were once again dashed.

Oops, We Did It Again

After failing to divert attention away from his catastrophic misstep (including rattling shiny keys, performing various card tricks and a fractured rendition of the 1950’s song ‘The Name Game’), Abbas collectively blamed and then fired his entire retinue of hand-picked assistants, none of whom could claim English as their 1st, 2nd or even 4th language.

Before leaving the podium, the diplomatically challenged President felt it necessary to sing 12 additional rounds of ‘The Name Game’, beginning each time with a name corresponding to each of his 12 former advisors.

The change in Abbas’ mood was noticeably dramatic, at which point he began to speak of a “new willingness” to work with the United States and Israel on a “declaration of principles” toward a peace agreement.

To fully appreciate this in its historical context, today marks the only occasion when the word “principles” has ever been linked with President Abbas or any member of the Palestinian Authority.

The Pavlovian exercise that has become Obama’s US-Middle East policy was once again in full swing by late-day. It was left to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to fly off to Ramallah and mollify this tear-filled daycare center by presenting Abbas with 2 cheques for $80 million US dollars, a portion to be distributed amongst the entire Arab population with the other half to cover Palestinian Government expenses.

And both were made payable ‘to cash’.

To be continued… and continued…

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These days, it seems that you can’t walk through an Arab country without running into either a mass demonstration or a public uprising. (see Egyptians Want A New Pharaoh)

In this kettle of Middle-East reformation, a small Jewish interest group has quietly mutated into a new Israeli political party – The Jewish Brotherhood, and it is intent on reshaping Israeli politics…forever.

WHO ARE THESE NEW POLITICAL ACTIVISTS?

Broadly speaking, they are your fathers, brothers, uncles and your uncle’s gardeners. Specifically, they are synagogue members who enjoy breakfast meetings, tax write-offs and donor recognition in the form of prominently displayed plaques. If not for their efforts and love of golf, the imprinting and plaque-manufacturing sector would be totally devastated.

As far as religious affiliation is concerned, it is not so much a case of “don’t ask don’t tell” as it is “who cares?” The Jewish Brotherhood does not discriminate if you wear a kippah or a Speedo. Yes, Reconstructionist Jews are also welcome!

These men share one single, common bond: Guys united by fully paid memberships dues.

WHY ARE JEWS WANDERING TO THE ‘BROTHERHOOD’?

Two reasons account for the sudden rise in the Jewish Brotherhood’s popularity:

(1) The Brotherhood’s ACTION AGENDA: A straight forward, no nonsense manifesto embracing social committees, fund raising events (overpriced but well-intentioned), and Missions to Israel (learning for men – shopping and spa tours for ladies).

(2) The party’s aforementioned Action Agenda, or A.A. seems to have attracted huge crowds of intoxicated and recovering drunks who mistakenly thought they were joining Alcoholics Anonymous. Once sober, they inexplicably find themselves  attracted to Zionism.

HERE COME THE JEWS!

There are worries within secular circles that once in power, the Jewish Brotherhood will immediately (OMG!) implement Jewish law in the most Jewishly populous country in the world i.e. Israel.

The group dismisses these concerns and rejects accusations they are jihadist “per se”, insisting they only want gradual transformation.

Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein, Golan Heights Party Chapter President: “The only thing preventing us from seizing power is the law. That is why we want to start our own party. It is also a lot safer and far less bloody.”

History has shown that the odds of being successful are formidable. Organizing brotherhood associations in synagogue basements is one thing. Starting a national movement in a country with the world’s most political parties per capita is quite another.

STRATEGY: THE CLASSIC SEAT-BY-SEAT APPROACH

Slow and steady seems to be the course.

Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein Sr. (no relation but a long-time member) agrees. “What’s the rush? We’ve waited this long for unity. How long have you waited for good service at a kosher restaurant? (long pause) Exactly.”

And that is why The Jewish Brotherhood is winning the hearts of Israelis.

“First we’ll start with getting a seat on a Jerusalem bus, then we’ll worry about winning seats in the Knesset. Look. It’s a long ride for me. I’m old and I hate to stand the entire way through the Old City.”

At this rate, the Jewish Brotherhood should form a majority government in another 5,000 years.

WHO WANTS IN?

Notwithstanding the potential violence and assumptive vote rigging associated with Israeli elections, the question becomes whose vote does the Jewish Brotherhood want to capture?

The answer: Apparently everyone’s.

Whereas previous left-wing candidates ran under the slogan “Fight Terror With A Smile” (to little success), they now feel welcome at the Brotherhood. Moreover, conservative voters attracted to tremendous tax write-offs for every conceivable program offered also find the Jewish Brotherhood appealing.

So long as there are Jewish men able to claim tax receipts, there will be a need for the Jewish Brotherhood.

As Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein says, “the beauty is that we’re not tied to any single ideology except that all dues must be paid up in full. I just can’t stress that more.”

*Ed Note Re Membership Dues – The Jewish Brotherhood now has “compassion structures” in place to accommodate the less financially fortunate. Rather than shaming members to pay over 10-15 years (as past practices of hazing have proven to fail), shlepers can participate in all Brotherhood activities, but are often compelled to caddy at golf tourneys and bus tables at fundraisers. Other than that, everyone gets one vote and all are equal.

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WANTED: 1 PHARAOH

NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

The “tide of change” that initially swept through Egypt continues to unfold unabated.

While no one knows who will replace Egypt’s acting military government, one thing is certain: When it comes time to replace former President Hosni Mubara, Egyptians do not want to return to the status quo.

Rather, they are nostalgic for something else…

Recent surveys suggest that a majority of Egyptians would prefer to re-enslave the Jewish people, rather than trade with them.

This change in public sentiment is attributed to many factors, the catalyst being an economy that has not recovered since God devastated that country 3,400 years ago with 10 plagues.

Apparently, Egyptians still hold a grudge and refuse to let it go.

Let By-Gones Be Damned!

After finally restoring order, Egypt’s temporary government now needs to focus on rejuvenating a moribund economy. And with popular support for capitalism flat-lining, a staggering 100% of Egyptians would immediately replace modern day commerce with Jewish bondage.

“It’s nothing personal”, noted a government official without identification or shoes. “We simply want to return to simpler times. To a time when Egyptians could grow up to be royal taskmasters and everyone read hieroglyphics. Didn’t anyone see The Prince of Egypt?”

Israel’s RSVP: “Not a Second Time”

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu quickly rebuffed the cold shift in Egyptian diplomacy. “We’re not moving anywhere, especially after we’ve spent so much time cleaning our homes for Passover. Furthermore, we have to continue building more houses in East Jerusalem, and then clean them for next year’s Passover.”

Undeterred, the hard-line interim Council maintains its’ policies most accurately reflect Egyptian public opinion “and therefore, we’ll never have any need for future democratic elections or reforms …Please don’t put that in.”

Who Wants To Be A Pharaoh?

Wanna Fill These Bandages?

Subsequent to its new mandate, the acting administration will install a new Pharaoh as their permanent replacement.

Well-placed and highly malnourished sources spoke of initially wanting to use social media sites Twitter and Facebook to promote their search before realizing that they had blocked them.

The methods settled on to find their king include the new Egyptian reality show ‘Who Wants To Be A Pharaoh?’ and strategically placed ads in the personal sections of locally, banned publications.

For now at least, Egypt’s temporary regime will persevere, continuing its best to revitalize the country’s economy by further pillaging it.

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