A poorly written UN document laden with spelling mistakes and English mistranslations, has left Palestinian government officials without jobs and no new country of their own to destroy.
As told by former Senior Aide and Palestinian Authority Spokesman Nabil Abu Rdaineh, President Mahmud Abbas was in the process of proudly making a unilateral declaration for ‘Palestinian Statehood’, when he instead reflexively declared a “Palestinian State of Emergency”.
In that single moment, all hopes for the creation of a 23rd Arab country were once again dashed.
Oops, We Did It Again
After failing to divert attention away from his catastrophic misstep (including rattling shiny keys, performing various card tricks and a fractured rendition of the 1950’s song ‘The Name Game’), Abbas collectively blamed and then fired his entire retinue of hand-picked assistants, none of whom could claim English as their 1st, 2nd or even 4th language.
Before leaving the podium, the diplomatically challenged President felt it necessary to sing 12 additional rounds of ‘The Name Game’, beginning each time with a name corresponding to each of his 12 former advisors.
The change in Abbas’ mood was noticeably dramatic, at which point he began to speak of a “new willingness” to work with the United States and Israel on a “declaration of principles” toward a peace agreement.
To fully appreciate this in its historical context, today marks the only occasion when the word “principles” has ever been linked with President Abbas or any member of the Palestinian Authority.
The Pavlovian exercise that has become Obama’s US-Middle East policy was once again in full swing by late-day. It was left to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to fly off to Ramallah and mollify this tear-filled daycare center by presenting Abbas with 2 cheques for $80 million US dollars, a portion to be distributed amongst the entire Arab population with the other half to cover Palestinian Government expenses.
And both were made payable ‘to cash’.
To be continued… and continued…
Funny And Jewish is a satirical humour website
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WANTED: 1 PHARAOH
NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY
The “tide of change” that initially swept through Egypt continues to unfold unabated.
While no one knows who will replace Egypt’s acting military government, one thing is certain: When it comes time to replace former President Hosni Mubara, Egyptians do not want to return to the status quo.
Rather, they are nostalgic for something else…
Recent surveys suggest that a majority of Egyptians would prefer to re-enslave the Jewish people, rather than trade with them.
This change in public sentiment is attributed to many factors, the catalyst being an economy that has not recovered since God devastated that country 3,400 years ago with 10 plagues.
Apparently, Egyptians still hold a grudge and refuse to let it go.
Let By-Gones Be Damned!
After finally restoring order, Egypt’s temporary government now needs to focus on rejuvenating a moribund economy. And with popular support for capitalism flat-lining, a staggering 100% of Egyptians would immediately replace modern day commerce with Jewish bondage.
“It’s nothing personal”, noted a government official without identification or shoes. “We simply want to return to simpler times. To a time when Egyptians could grow up to be royal taskmasters and everyone read hieroglyphics. Didn’t anyone see The Prince of Egypt?”
Israel’s RSVP: “Not a Second Time”
Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu quickly rebuffed the cold shift in Egyptian diplomacy. “We’re not moving anywhere, especially after we’ve spent so much time cleaning our homes for Passover. Furthermore, we have to continue building more houses in East Jerusalem, and then clean them for next year’s Passover.”
Undeterred, the hard-line interim Council maintains its’ policies most accurately reflect Egyptian public opinion “and therefore, we’ll never have any need for future democratic elections or reforms …Please don’t put that in.”
Who Wants To Be A Pharaoh?
Wanna Fill These Bandages?
Subsequent to its new mandate, the acting administration will install a new Pharaoh as their permanent replacement.
Well-placed and highly malnourished sources spoke of initially wanting to use social media sites Twitter and Facebook to promote their search before realizing that they had blocked them.
The methods settled on to find their king include the new Egyptian reality show ‘Who Wants To Be A Pharaoh?’ and strategically placed ads in the personal sections of locally, banned publications.
For now at least, Egypt’s temporary regime will persevere, continuing its best to revitalize the country’s economy by further pillaging it.
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AT&T’s rejection of Tiger Woods had left many speculating on where the company’s future sponsorship plans lay.
Finally, the telecommunications giant unveiled its’ new direction, announcing it will sponsor every single Kiddish in the United States for the next 10 years.
AT&T Chairman, CEO and President Randall L. Stephenson could not be reached for comment. Not because he declined, but because our calls kept getting dropped.
The job to meet the press was left to a company spokesman who refused to be identified.
“Let’s face it; Jews like to talk and Jews like to eat. Talk and eat. Eat and talk. And hopefully not at the same time.”
“Our research shows that phone users are more religious than e-mailers. They’re always calling friends and family with good news thanking God for this and for that. Of course, the rest of the time they’re blaming God for all their woes and miseries. But that motivates them to go out to Shul and pray, where we will see them shortly afterward at Kiddish.
The money we saved dropping Woods allows us to sponsor every Kiddish anywhere in the free world, providing regional governments have deregulated local long-distance service.
What I’m saying is, where there’s choice, there’s a Kiddish. Hey, that just might be our new slogan. Let’s make a l’chiam!”
In fact, AT&T’s new slogan “Reach Out And Call God” retires “Reach Out and Touch Someone”, originally launched in 1979. The new motto is designed to encourage all Jews to “get busy with prayer”.
Still, not everyone in the Jewish community is impressed.
“Where’s it going to stop?” and “where will it all end?” asked Rabbis Rosencrants and Guildenstern (religious thespians and popular guest speakers). “Soon our Synagogues will all look like Indy 500 race cars with corporate sponsorship on everything from the Aaron Kodesh where the Torah is kept to the Rabbi’s podium.”
“WE’RE HOLDING OUT FOR CORPORATE BABY-NAMING RIGHTS”.
And just how this new arrangement will translate into sales is anyone’s guess.
Support in the international business community remains mixed. Whereas many ‘Fortune 500’ companies are closely watching the impact of the AT&T/Kiddish alignment, others believe the company will never get enough ‘bang for its advertising buck’.
“Signage is fine. But if we commit, we’re holding out for corporate baby-naming rights”, screamed Verizon’s Vice-President running through the press conference.
Most agree that the AT&T maneuver opens a new marketing frontier, with others eager to jump on the bandwagon. It is rumored that Nike, Gillette and Gatorade are all lining up to sponsor the Maccabi Games, including the closing gala event, “A Night Of A Thousand Jews”.
In the meantime, the phone company will continue to assist the player’s (no pun intended) school for underprivileged children. The (US) 25 million dollar Tiger Woods Learning Center was opened in 2006, with a public address given by former President Bill Clinton…Hey, no surprise there. Seems that they’re both made of the same stuff.
Funny And Jewish is a satirical humor website
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Funny and Jewish Middle-East Humour
Dateline: A Hole in Gaza –
Retiring Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has refused the latest U. N. offer to deploy armed “Peace Keepers” along any future Israel/Palestinian borders. The plan designed to weaken Hamas while reinforcing regional security was originally conceived by former U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan as a personal pet project designed to “keep myself busy once out of office”.
Yesterday morning, Annan’s phone rang with a voice that surprisingly did not belong to a tele-marketer. The Palestinians were said to be “on side” providing that the I.D.F. (Israeli Defense Force) be installed with a new mandate to protect Palestinians from each other.
“Let’s be serious for once.”
Addressing reporters, Abbas acknowledged speaking to Mr. Annan earlier, while also referring to the original proposal as being both laughable and unworkable. “Come now boys let’s be serious for once. The UN wants ‘Peace Keepers’? Look around here. Do you see any peace to keep? And while we’re at it; who designed those dreadful UN uniforms? You can see those blue helmets from a mile high. Or so I’ve been told.”
Feeling comfortable once again amidst all the confusion, the former Secretary General agreed with himself that the name United Nations is both inaccurate and misleading, leaving the once venerated institution liable to lawsuits and claims of false marketing. In a communiqué released to a group of pigeons that he was feeding over lunch, Mr. Annan acknowledged that the day’s events had indeed convinced him of the inevitability of a ‘Two-State’ solution: i.e. the State of Israel on one side, living safely and securely beside a State of Anarchy on the other.
Funny And Jewish is a satirical Jewish humor site.
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A whale swimming against a current of convention appeared off the coast of Israel. The last such occurrence was several hundred years ago, or as U.S. Republican Senator John McCain says “like only yesterday.”
Considering that whale navigation technology has advanced dramatically over the centuries, sightings like these remain very rare indeed.
The whale measuring approximately 12 meters or a typical Jerusalem apartment for a family of 9, was spotted about a mile and a half out from land. What has baffled scientists and theologians is why Israel?
Did the whale arrive 1 week early to celebrate the Jewish festival of Shavuot? Probably not, he looks reform (no head-covering over the blow-hole) and probably doesn’t even know that such a holiday exists. It is also the Jewish custom to eatt cheesecake, whereas whales prefer fish and prophets named Jonah.
Finally, according to the rabbis at Wikipeia, Shavout is 1 of the 3 Biblical pilgrimage festivals obligating men to travel to Jerusalem. While this mammal is not a man, he was also not an Israeli citizen when he arrival, thus technically discharging him from this obligation.
Protocol not withstanding, Israel’s Minister of Immigration and Absorption welcomed the whale, immediately granting him full citizenship under Israel’s Law of Return. The whale is assumed to be male because it refused to ask for directions, even though it was off course by several thousand miles … really!).
Following a welcome reception at Ben Gurion Airport, the whale was escorted back out to water, issued an Israeli passport and formally naturalized.
Then all hell broke loose.
World condemnation calling for the elimination of the Jewish Right of Return came quickly. Green Peace activist and Arab apologist Xavier Donlands suggested that the whale should be given refugee status and put indefinitely into a camp where it would bitterly live out the remainder of its’ life. The United Nations entered the row by demanding the whale be “internationalized”, while members of the Arab League insisted that their Palestinian brothers be given exactly the same rights as the whale. FYI: The whale was also barred from passing through any Arab territorial waters.
Complicating this aquatic fray were a small but vocal contingent of Christian zealots who were separated from their group. They believed the whale was an apocalyptic warning that all is not right in the world. No Kidding! But any regular person doesn’t need a heavenly sign to discern that one.
The whale, now a full-fledged Israeli, refuses to be a drain on the local economy and is determined to pay his way. While scientists and politicians debate where to move Israel’s largest citizen, it was the Jewish organization Lubavitch that found a workable solution: Chabad Lubavitch Sea World in Herzliya…opening soon!