A Funny and Jewish Humour Classic
For many Jews returning to Judaism, the road after this return will be a long and winding one.
Questions that you never considered pop up more often and with increasing complexities. Examples of these types of ‘ask-your-rabbi’ inquiries include “where can I eat?”, “what should I read?” and even “what T.V. shows should I watch?” (short answer, none).
To help our lost readers (and we use the term “lost” not in a religious sense, but more to explain how our traffic finds funnyandjewish.com…i.e. by accident), we present another Funny and Jewish Humour Classic: How To Live Like an Orthodox Jew, a Practical Guide for Your Everyday Working Joe-seph.
Here you will find various discussions designed to help you overcome many of the same struggles faced by Jewish “Returnees”.
“A righteous man falls 7 times and rises.
An evil man falls but once.”
(Proverbs 24:16)
Question – What happens when that righteous man falls 5 or even 6 more times? Worse still; what if he’s a perpetual klutz like myself?
Look, We all make mistakes. I’ll be the first to forgive myself: Mea culpa!
The important thing to remember is not to allow your slips and falls to keep you down.
Who is this primer for?
Jews who have tasted the ‘forbidden fruit’, yet have abandoned their old (some might argue evil and wicked) ways to draw closer to God.
Don’t let discouragement get the best of you. Remember, you’re not expected to do everything at once. That is called marriage.
Defining Terms
Someone not raised Jewish Orthodox but who becomes observant is called a ‘Bal-Chuva’ or ba’al-teshuvah.
The proper name for someone who converts to Judaism is ‘N-u-t-s’ (there will be further discussions about “Welcoming Strangers” in future articles).
The word ‘Bal-Chuva’ is beautiful onomatopoeic.
Whenever someone says “Bal-Chuva”, I reflexively answer “bless you”. To me “Bal-Chuva” sounds like a sneeze. ‘Bal-Chuva!’. Go ahead and say it to yourself. Quietly or out loud. It’s best if there’s someone else in the room to play off of. If not, fine. I don’t care. Go ahead. Try it: “Bal-Chuva”, “Bless You.” I’ll wait.
Jewish Fine Dining Is An Oxymoron
Eating kosher is a lot like being pregnant – either you are or aren’t. Similarly, the issue of whether a restaurant is kosher is also both simple and straightforward. Either it is or it isn’t.
Look for a sign.
Not from heaven. But one saying ‘Kosher’.
Don’t be misled by restaurants advertising ‘Kosher Style’.
Have you ever seen a bistro offering Vegetarian-Style, Vegan-Style or even Halel-Style food for that matter?
No. I didn’t think so. And you won’t…unless of course, they’re run by Jews.
Jews also never “see” any religious apparitions when eating out. There is no Rabbi worth his weight in mitzvahs who ever witnessed anything Biblical while eating out, with the exception of the 40 years it took for his order to arrive.
Never will you hear anything like: “I was in my favorite kosher deli when I saw the image of Moses in my corned beef sandwich parting the gravy ($1.50 extra).
It just never happens.
– End of Part 1 –
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The lovely prayer meeting with my friend turned out to be a nightmare. Sure we had a couple of l’chiams before we began to pray but so what?
I was poorly prepared when he not only had wine, but gulped down some cognac and concluded with a couple of scotches.
After the last “Amen”, I ended up taking his car keys and checked him into a local hotel. I all seemed so undramatic until I realized that I had to pray again with this tomorrow morning. What was I going to say to him?
It is always a painful to watch a friend or associate behave badly while praying after downing one too many. Fiends and colleagues are likely to know someone who is abusing alcohol with prayer long before the rabbi does, helping to steer him away from trouble.
Try this: If your friend could endangers his community’s’ prayers from being accepted by God, take away his car keys, call him a cab, look him in the eye and tell hem to pray elsewhere.
You can always find a 10th guy anywhere.
Remember, never be accusing. Instead of saying something like “Wow, you were really drunk this morning”, say “I felt incredibly embarrassed for you after you told that joke during the mourner’s prayer”. Maybe you have a drinking problem or perhaps you’re simply experiencing difficulty with Jewish prayer.
If your Shul/Synagogue/Temple/Tent/etc. has a member assistance program, steer him in that direction. If that resource is unavailable, suggest contacting an alcohol treatment center for up-to-date information of local prayer times.
Sometimes being kind means being tough to protect your minion. It is never easy to speak up to someone who is self-destructing with prayer and alcohol. Still, 9 out of 10 rabbis say it’s the right thing to do. The 10th is still off drunk.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
]]>A Funny Question for our Jewish Humour Answer Lady …
Dear Funny Jewish Answer Lady,
I’m a college student who doesn’t pray; end of story. I was raised by atheists and it was instilled in me not to pray until I turned 21. My housemates pray and pressure me to pray.
Now my friends won’t invite me out ‘cuz they think I’ll bring about a curse. They won’t even give me a chance to prove how much fun I can be without praying.
Anyway, one night I gave in and had a few words of prayer.
All of a sudden, my roommates started inviting me to parties. When I went, I felt very uncomfortable, yet, at the same time, people were finally accepting me.
Is it wrong to change what I believe in so that I can have a common bond with my new friends? I am so torn on what I should do…pray occasionally and have some friends, or stick to what I believe in and sit alone while everyone I know talks to God.
What should I do?
– Torn
Dear Torn,
Why does everyone still assume I’m a lady?
]]>Being an observant Jew is difficult wherever you live. Even up in ‘The Great White North’ it’s not all milk and maple syrup.
F.Y.I., Canada’s political landscape is such that a small number of organizations exert a disproportionate amount of influence over national policy. Problems begin when their platforms (i.e. those of the small interest groups) are at cross-purposes with Jewish ideals.
Today’s egregious example – a seemingly “friendly” lobby group like PETA, while protesting the Jewish ritual slaughtering of chickens just before Yom Kippur, turn a blind eye when it comes to Dwarf Tossing.
Where is PETA’s outcry?
The fact that Jews dominate this Canadian sport doesn’t make it any more right and really gives us nothing as a People to be proud of.
It’s still wrong and I’ve cancelled our season’s tickets.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website
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Jewish Humor News
Jewish sons and daughters are being asked to return all “Danger Pay” paid out to them over the years for having to eat their mother’s cooking.
These aforementioned monies were originally awarded by the World Body of International Jewery – a quasi-legal organization likened to Rabbies Without Borders, to Jewish children as a recompense for the hardships of “enduring edibles inflicted upon them from the time of their birth that, in all other societies and cultures would be tantamount to child abuse”.
The amount of individual repayments will be determined by how much one ate over the years.
With files from a Jewish humorist, and that’s being kind.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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Did I hear right?
A cat? A cat?
That’s exactly what happens when you have too much democracy. People vote for cats.
I am never buying Monopoly again. Voters have decided to replace the original iron piece (token) with a cat. Never mind the missed opportunities with cool, shiny robots and helicopters. The idiot voting public has spoken and in unity they scratched out the word c-a-t on their ballots.
Remember, we weren’t talking about just any old game, but…Monopoly: The Special Limited Jewish Edition.
Just to remind you, these were your choices:
(1) Golden Calf –
(2) Sabbath Crock Pot –
(3) Moses and Staff –
(4) Wine Kiddish Cup –
(5) Dreidel –
(6) Havdalah Candle –
AND THEY STILL MANAGED TO CHOOSE CATS…
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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A cat? A cat?
This is exactly what happens when you have too much democracy. People vote for cats.
I am never buying Monopoly again. Voters have decided to replace the original iron piece (token) with a cat. Never mind the missed opportunities with cool, shiny robots and helicopters. The idiot voting public has spoken and in unity they scratched out the word c-a-t on their ballots.
Remember, we weren’t talking about just any old game, but…Monopoly: Special Limited Jewish Edition.
These were your choices :
(1) Golden Calf –
(2) Sabbath Crock Pot –
(3) Moses and Staff –
(4) Wine Kiddish Cup –
(5) Dreidel –
(6) Havdalah Candle –
AND THEY STILL MANAGED TO CHOOSE CATS…
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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Israeli naval commandos seized another flotilla in the Mediterranean carrying what Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said were more Iranian-supplied practical jokes intended for Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip.
The military, which routinely monitors the sea as part of its effort to stem the flood of illegal weapons and gag gifts, had been tracking the vessel for several days.
A military release said Israeli forces met no resistance when they intercepted the one-manned Iranian built dinghy and towed the vessel to the Israeli port of Ashdod.
Israel continues its naval blockade around Gaza, a coastal enclave controlled by Hamas and suitable for life after the dead have risen.
Because the Islamist movement is opposed to peace with Israel, an Israeli naval blockade is necessary to prevent terrorists from arming themselves or being funny at the Jewish State’s expense.
Defense Minister Ehud Barak argued that Israeli Defense Forces “defended the honor of our country. No one laughs at Israel’s expense. We Jews wrote the book on slapstick. If anyone is going to perfect a dribble kiddish cup, it will be us!”
Commandos also confiscated several sophisticated whoopee cushions, most notably a radar-guided whoopee cushion with a range of 35 km, “which without a doubt is definitely a strategic weapon” an Israeli Rear Admiral was overheard saying.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu who approved the seizure of the vessel, accused Iran of supplying the cache of weaponized jokes.
It is believed to be the largest such seizure of gag gifts since November 2009, when Israel intercepted a ship it said was carrying large amounts of fake Iranian vomit to Lebanon.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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Question: When looking for a Jewish humour web site, especially one with a hidden, secret Zionist agenda, would I be wise to hitch my lucky star on Funny-and-Jewish.com?
Answer: Yes, if only for the sake of your funny bone. And our Zionist agenda is not so hidden. And we’re doing everything not to keep it secret. See, we’re still hustling for free trips to the Holy Land. And this time…, not on points.
Question: What’s it like to capture the Jewish Zeitgeist and then subsequently filter it through a satiric lens?
Answer: …?
Question: OK. Give us your famous Mission Statement once again.
Answer: If you laugh we’ve succeeded. If you didn’t, the terrorists win. We’ll defer to others to pontificate on matters of Jewish humour, or as the Yankees say…Jewish Humor.
Question: Why do you find it difficult to end most of your pieces?
Answer: Our writers get paid by the word.
Question: Do your writers have to be both Funny and Jewish?
Answer: No. They can just be and.
Question: Any last thoughts about your writers?
Answer: They are (1) philosophically neurotic, (2) nervous by nature and (3) they use humour as a drug to cope with life.
Question: Are all your humorists named Newton?
Answer: Yes. We happen to like that name.
Question: All of them?
Answer: Yes. We really, really, happen to like that name a lot.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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An outbreak of boorish behavior in Lebanon has left over 9,800 locals offended with international fingers now pointing at the UN peacekeeping troops stationed there.
According to well-placed Lebanese public etiquette officials, the recent upsurge in rudeness is “most likely” attributed to a UN soldiers camp “and you know how those boys talk.”
The United Nations remains united in denying any complicity, and continues to offer prewritten quotes from an internal report that concluded it is never possible to find fault with the UN (in general) and UN soldiers (specifically) for anything. “Period.”
Despite growing suspicions surrounding UN-Lebanese peacekeeping etiquette, UN Secretary General Ban Ki “call me Keith” Moon insists that it is just simply impossible to verify the origins of the offensive behavior.
A UN Watch investigation, however, revealed that inadequate verbal self-restraint and potty-mouthed outbursts from UN troops were really to blame for contaminating local Lebanese ears.
As a consequence, UN troops must now be thoroughly trained in good manners and civil comportment.
The UN Secretary, meanwhile, continues to dodge behind an equally pressing issue: the current optics suggest that the UN is hiding behind a report whose conclusion is dubious at best, even for a UN report.
While no one has deliberately accused the UN of “poisoning the ears of any Lebanese”, it is hard not to feel for the 9,800 Muslims, Christians and Druze (not a single Jew to spit on!) who suffered at the hands of those uncouth UN soldiers.
Might legal action be next?
Yes.
Yes.
And Yes.
Especially when you consider that Lebanon is a country where public etiquette is taken very seriously. F.Y.I. Insults are a crime and several witty comebacks can land someone 10 years in Beirut solitary.
Yes…, very serious indeed.
So serious in fact, that Jewish layers are now being aggressively courted to represent these very “victims of UN atrocity”. And you know that these Lebanese victims won’t be coming cheap. Not when considering that recent claims against the UN for “hurt feelings” are now averaging $100,000 per (all figures in US dollars).
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