Guest post – Dr. Vegan Jones.

Funny Jewish Health Advice with Humour

Let’s begin the conversation by asking the obvious question: Why would anyone choose to become a vegan? I mean willingly, given the gift of free will.

Like most people, I try to eat a balanced diet culled from as many different food groups that my spare change permits.

Conversely, a well balanced ‘vegan diet’, herein referred to as the ‘plant and grub diet’, is limited by a much smaller range of available choices.

Most doctors support the healthy food choices made by vegans such as eating extra fruit, swallowing more vegetables and consuming vast quantities of whole grains.

Doctors also agree that a vegan’s diet is high in antioxidants and fibre, reducing the likelihood of diabetes, heart disease and some cancers. But so can quitting smoking, eating bran flakes and not locking yourself in a car while the engine is on, and the garage door closed.

So please tell me. Seriously…, why?

I ask because many years ago… I once knew a vegan.

This vegan (not a nameless person, but a grown man with a name who will simply be referred to as “the vegan”) was my next-door neighbor in a trendy part of town.

We were both accomplished musicians living above a sub joint and a dry cleaner. They didn’t bother us and we didn’t bother them. It was an ecosystem of mutual disregard.

We’d jam for hours all day and then snack afterwards well into the night, eating whatever we felt like, and lots of it. Life was great.

My friend subsequently developed a litany of stomach problems and his selection of allowable edibles became quickly limited. My friend soon realized that he had no option but to stare into the abyss of veganism.

He jumped in with full force, quickly adopting the life of an orthodox vegan.

It’s like a twist on the old saying: some people are born into veganism while others, like my friend, had veganism thrust upon him.

The take away from this is that all vegans can be relied upon to be a great source for other people’s humour. I know, I know, you’ve heard all the jokes before; but this next one is the best –

Question: What’s the difference between a plant and a vegan?

Answer: A plant consumes energy.

To conclude Part 1, Funny And Jewish.com now holds the #1 Google spot for searches of “Jewish Vegan Humour” with Is Veganism the New Zionism? article. Thanx for clicking. Seriously, give a click!

(Dr. Vegan Jones is neither a doctor nor a vegan, but offers advice freely on both).

End ‘O Part 1

Please also visit Why Be A Vegan? Part 2

FunnyAndJewish.com You can click that too!

Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.

Vegans, Jews and Zionism

I had been asked to comment on the following resolution:

“Resolved: Veganism is the new Zionism.”

Could it be true? I started to wonder aloud to myself …ARE THEY SO SIMILAR, THEY’RE THE SAME?

According to an old proverb  “There are no stupid questions”.

REALLY?

As a matter of fact there are; and the answer to this one is “No, veganism is not the new Zionism” and here’s the why –

Zionists and vegans view the world through 2 different lenses.

Vegans see meat, eggs and cheese as things to be avoided in the world. Zionists, on the other hand, see them as tools to use as weapons to oppose anyone else preventing them from fulfilling God’s biblical prophecy of living in Israel.

Vegans are nothing like Zionists because every Zionist has 1 true homeland that is Israel. You could say that a Vegan’s homeland is wherever that vegan finds himself looking at the ground to find a place to plant his breakfast.

Here’s another difference: a Zionist might find himself at war if Israel were to be attacked. A vegan could probably go through his entire life without ever seeing 5 minutes of military action if he lives in virtually any other free country.

Here’s another: Vegans have never been collectively accused of either world domination or of controlling the world’s banks. The fact that there is no “blood libel” against vegans speaks volumes, while also accounting for their high-conversion rate.

More stupid conversations about Zionists and vegans continue to abound in the Twitter universe:

Can a Zionist be a vegan?

(Yes.)

Can a vegan be a Zionist?

(Yes.)

If they’re the same, then why don’t you also capitalize the ”V” in vegan?

(…)

Let’s define our terms so we’re all on the same page in this discussion.

Who is a Zionist?

According to the Jewish Virtual Library, Zionism simply means the national movement for the return of the Jewish people to their homeland and the resumption of Jewish sovereignty in the Land of Israel.

Who is a vegan?

Indeed. Vegans don’t look any more different than you or I, excluding those of us who don’t always look perpetually exhausted or sickly.

A vegan’s diet is plant-based; not eating or using any animal by-products including meat, milk, honey, eggs or wax fruit (just checking if you’re paying attention). Orthodox vegans are also inclined to avoid wearing anything made from silk, wool and leather, as well as any other animal products for clothing or for practical use.

While disagreements have led to divisions within the Zionist movement (splinter groups have emerged, most notably Political Zionism, Socialist Zionism and Religious Zionism), no such nonsense exists in a vegan’s world.

There is very little disagreement among vegans regarding what literally constitutes “eating a living thing”. It’s pretty straightforward. In fact, there seems to be a sense of calm dwelling within practicing vegans, one that remains forever foreign and quite elusive to the Zionist.

Speaking of which, Zionists also seem to be much louder than vegans. Vegans don’t bark at you when you’re out at a deli. They seldom have enough energy… Have you ever heard of a militant vegan? Can they even be weaponized?

The Bible enumerates animals prohibited for consumption (bats, pigs, insects, etc.) only to help identify and classify those animals whose meat is permitted (cows, chickens, certain fish).

Let’s back things up. Nowhere in Judaism is eating meat prohibited (excluding fast days). Indeed, vegetarianism is never endorsed as a morally superior life style. Most Biblical festivals in Israel (Zionists by nature) involved the consumption of meat. Today there are rabbinic opinions that argue a “meal” that does not include meat, does not qualify as a true (i.e. legal) holiday meal!

For Zionists living in Israel, it’s very difficult to be a vegan. For vegans, it is not very difficult to live outside of Israel.

In Biblical days, Jews were religiously obligated to eat meat, specifically roasted meat on Passover. They could not abstain from fear of rising cholesterol.

Speaking of Zionists, has the United Nations ever passed a resolution in the General Assembly equating veganism with racism? F.Y.I., it was a charitable N.G.O. that likened veganism with vegetarianism. That resolution was also subsequently abolished courtesy of a very small, but powerful European-based vegetarian lobby group with tentacles deep in Washington D.C.

Jewish texts are replete with examples of meat consumption. For example, when Abraham invited guests he served meat, not tofu. When the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, they were given quail to eat. And Temple donations were made in the form of animals, eventually eaten by the high priests.

You don’t have to be religious to be a Zionist, but you can be a religious vegan. Are you confused yet? Read on.

If a Zionist was stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat but animals, would he eat meat? You bet he would! I’m also betting that a starving vegan would also eat the meat just as fast as the Zionist. Come to think of it, a stranded vegan might also drink his own urine.

Just the same, I’d sooner cook for myself.

Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.

Jewish Humour

Arafat Scheduled To Rise From Tomb – West Bank

The dead, rotting, decomposing bodily remains of former PLO terrorist Yasser “that’s my baby” Arafat will be exhumed so an autopsy can be performed more than 8 years after his death.

The examination comes after a French court (surprise!) launched a murder investigation (bombshell!) after a Swiss organization (love their neutrality!) revealed “suspicious” results (in a Clinton/Lewinsky way) found on his decaying clothing.

Conspiracy enthusiasts have persistently blamed Israeli assassins for Arafat’s death for over the past 8 years.

The Palestinian committee in charge of leading this investigation is as reliable as every other Palestinian committee that has preceded it. That is to say, it is of absolutely no use at all.

Is turnabout fair play?. We might never know because there is no equivalent Jewish law permitting an elected Israeli government from exhuming the corpses of formerly living politicians to divert attention whenever an Arab/Palestinian rocket lands on Israeli soil.

Remember, one man’s scientist is another man’s anti-Semite and just as in the Monica Lewinsky case, Palestinian sympathizers the world over will try to lay claim that the DNA on “the dead guy’s clothes” proves something sinister.

For the record, including CD’s and MP3’s, 8 years after Arafat’s death, Israel denies any association with the former terrorist’s demise, and continues to refuse to pay any portion of Arafat’s excessive dry-cleaning bill.

Yasser…, that’s my baby.

Nasser…, I don’t mean maybe.

Funny Clean Jewish Humour

A Funny and Jewish Humour Classic

For many Jews returning to Judaism, the road after this return will be a long and winding one.

Questions that you never considered pop up more often and with increasing complexities. Examples of these types of ‘ask-your-rabbi’ inquiries include “where can I eat?”, “what should I read?” and even “what T.V. shows should I watch?” (short answer, none).

To help our lost readers (and we use the term “lost” not in a religious sense, but more to explain how our traffic finds funnyandjewish.com…i.e. by accident), we present another Funny and Jewish Humour Classic: How To Live Like an Orthodox Jew, a Practical Guide for Your Everyday Working Joe-seph.

Here you will find various discussions designed to help you overcome many of the same struggles faced by Jewish “Returnees”.

“A righteous man falls 7 times and rises.

An evil man falls but once.”

(Proverbs 24:16)

Question – What happens when that righteous man falls 5 or even 6 more times? Worse still; what if he’s a perpetual klutz like myself?

Look, We all make mistakes. I’ll be the first to forgive myself: Mea culpa!

The important thing to remember is not to allow your slips and falls to keep you down.

Who is this primer for?

Jews who have tasted the ‘forbidden fruit’, yet have abandoned their old (some might argue evil and wicked) ways to draw closer to God.

Don’t let discouragement get the best of you. Remember, you’re not expected to do everything at once. That is called marriage.

Defining Terms

Someone not raised Jewish Orthodox but who becomes observant is called a ‘Bal-Chuva’ or ba’al-teshuvah.

The proper name for someone who converts to Judaism is ‘N-u-t-s’ (there will be further discussions about “Welcoming Strangers” in future articles).

The word ‘Bal-Chuva’ is beautiful onomatopoeic.

Whenever someone says “Bal-Chuva”, I reflexively answer  “bless you”. To me “Bal-Chuva” sounds like a sneeze. ‘Bal-Chuva!’.  Go ahead and say it to yourself. Quietly or out loud. It’s best if there’s someone else in the room to play off of. If not, fine. I don’t care. Go ahead. Try it: “Bal-Chuva”, “Bless You.” I’ll wait.

Jewish Fine Dining Is An Oxymoron

Eating kosher is a lot like being pregnant – either you are or aren’t. Similarly, the issue of whether a restaurant is kosher is also both simple and straightforward. Either it is or it isn’t.

Look for a sign.

Not from heaven. But one saying  ‘Kosher’.

Don’t be misled by restaurants advertising ‘Kosher Style’.

Have you ever seen a bistro offering Vegetarian-Style, Vegan-Style or even Halel-Style food for that matter?

No. I didn’t think so. And you won’t…unless of course, they’re run by Jews.

Jews also never “see” any religious apparitions when eating out. There is no Rabbi worth his weight in mitzvahs who ever witnessed anything Biblical while eating out, with the exception of the 40 years it took for his order to arrive.

Never will you hear anything like: “I was in my favorite kosher deli when I saw the image of Moses in my corned beef sandwich parting the gravy ($1.50 extra).

It just never happens.

– End of Part 1 –

The lovely prayer meeting with my friend turned out to be a nightmare. Sure we had a couple of l’chiams before we began to pray but so what?

I was poorly prepared when he not only had wine, but gulped down some cognac and concluded with a couple of scotches.

After the last “Amen”, I ended up taking his car keys and checked him into a local hotel. I all seemed so undramatic until I realized that I had to pray again with this tomorrow morning. What was I going to say to him?

It is always a painful to watch a friend or associate behave badly while praying after downing one too many. Fiends and colleagues are likely to know someone who is abusing alcohol with prayer long before the rabbi does, helping to steer him away from trouble.

Try this: If your friend could endangers his community’s’ prayers from being accepted by God, take away his car keys, call him a cab, look him in the eye and tell hem to pray elsewhere.

You can always find a 10th guy anywhere.

Remember, never be accusing. Instead of saying something like “Wow, you were really drunk this morning”, say “I felt incredibly embarrassed for you after you told that joke during the mourner’s prayer”. Maybe you have a drinking problem or perhaps you’re simply experiencing difficulty with Jewish prayer.

If your Shul/Synagogue/Temple/Tent/etc. has a member assistance program, steer him in that direction. If that resource is unavailable, suggest contacting an alcohol treatment center for up-to-date information of local prayer times.

Sometimes being kind means being tough to protect your minion. It is never easy to speak up to someone who is self-destructing with prayer and alcohol. Still, 9 out of 10 rabbis say it’s the right thing to do. The 10th is still off drunk.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

Pope Francis has admitted that a “Jewish lobby” exists within the Vatican’s administration and is planning to take action about it.

The Pontiff made the claim during an audience at the Vatican with a lobby group of American waiters from Long John Silvers who are petitioning the Vatican to allow fish to be eaten on Fridays.

“Yes, it is difficult,” he reportedly said. “In the restaurant business there are holy people, truly holy people who just want to eat fish. Maybe every day. But, and this is also true, there is a current of corruption I call the ’Jewish lobby’ and we will have to see what we can do.”

A Vatican spokesman would not deny the Pope’s remarks but refused to comment on the statement which was also posted on the Popes personal blog. “He’s allowed to post anything he wants to after hours on his WordPress blog.

Whereas in the past, reports of a ‘Jewish lobby’ inside the Vatican would have been startling, today, veteran observers are unfazed by Pope Francis remarks.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website

A Funny Question for our Jewish Humour Answer Lady …

Dear Funny Jewish Answer Lady,

I’m a college student who doesn’t pray; end of story. I was raised by atheists and it was instilled in me not to pray until I turned 21.  My housemates pray and pressure me to pray.

Now my friends won’t invite me out ‘cuz they think I’ll bring about a curse. They won’t even give me a chance to prove how much fun I can be without praying.

Anyway, one night I gave in and had a few words of prayer.

All of a sudden, my roommates started inviting me to parties. When I went, I felt very uncomfortable, yet, at the same time, people were finally accepting me.

Is it wrong to change what I believe in so that I can have a common bond with my new friends? I am so torn on what I should do…pray occasionally and have some friends, or stick to what I believe in and sit alone while everyone I know talks to God.

What should I do?

– Torn

Dear Torn,

Why does everyone still assume I’m a lady?

Following a Russian announcement banning all foreign adoptions of same-sex Russian dogs and cats by U.S. couples, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that Russia may “amend existing agreements” to outlaw pet adoption by couples from countries where same-sex pet ownership is legal.

In other words, a couple from France, where same-sex pet ownership has just been freshly legalized, would not be allowed to adopt a Russian puppy because the chance that it would grow up with a sister or brother would be “devastating to that mutt,” politician Marina Orgeyeva said. Responding to Orgeyeva’s statement, Putin merely said, “Yah; I guess she’s right.”

“We respect our partners but also ask that they respect our culture’s ethical traditions, our legal and moral standards. I believe we have the right to make amendments”, Putin explained during a meeting with his legislators.

Earlier in the week, Putin paid a visit to the popular Russian TV game show “What’s My Name?” and discussed the same topic with the contestants. The program ran for a record 14 hours and 58 minutes.

Putin’s argument is that it is impossible to apply European attitudes regarding how Russia sees same-sex pet ownership. “Europe has its own standards, the USA has theirs, but ours is different,” he said.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

Funny Jewish Italian News Flash

Hundreds of Virgin Mary statues have been found vandalized across Italy, left intact except that all of their hands have been cut off. Police were able to return the figures to their rightful owners and are advising caution, as the fugitive in question is extremely armed and dangerous.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

A goldfish that killed a salesman in front of horrified onlookers will stay in its aquarium, or so says Pet World’s president amid a raging debate on keeping such animals in captivity.

Goldie, the 1.5-inch goldfish in question is already linked to 3 separate attacks – The goldfish was so aggressive that rescuers could not immediately jump in to lend assistance. Instead, alert attendants gently moved the small but deadly carp into a smaller tank immediately adjacent to it where the dead body was removed from its jaws.

Witnesses said there were no early warning signs to suggest that something might be wrong or that anyone could have anticipated that Goldie would snap. Only moments before a 7-year-old boy chose her, she was seen swimming happily amongst the thousands of other goldfish.

As per Pet World’s Emergency Measures policy, alarm bells immediately sounded while all staff scattered throughout the store frantically waving their nets urging shoppers to run for their lives.

In a grim twist, the smaller tank is apparently the same spot where the body of a man was found 1 year ago to the day. He was reported missing after not returning from feeding the snakes.

Before today’s deadly attack, junior staff members were cautioned to only permit senior management to select the goldfish.

Animal rights groups are now pressing for the release of Goldie into a controlled area, while other activists are calling for her to be put down.

A former dog trainer with the store said that keeping goldfish in captivity makes them violent. “They are going to keep Goldie until she kills someone else. She is a monster who is a product of captivity. If Goldie was a bear or a fire-breathing dragon, she would have been put down long ago.”

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.