Funny Jewish Health Advice with Humour
Please also visit Why Be A Vegan?
Guest post – Dr. Vegan Jones.
Why are there so many fat kosher vegans out there? How could that ever happen on their ubber restrictive diets?
They must be lying to us, and most importantly lying to themselves. They are simply eating more than their ‘plant and grub’ daily intake allows.
Did these newly minted vegans just decide 5 minutes ago that after decades of stuffing their body like Pizza Hut ovens, that right there and then and all of a sudden, they finally resolved (5 MINUTES AGO!) that they would never, ever, ever eat any meat, cheese, fish, or anything that you’d think of ever putting BBQ sauce on ever again?
Or maybe not.
In trying to explain this vegan craze (and by craze I mean that there are 38+ BING returns for the search Vegan Craze [try it yourself and click!]), I decided to deeply explore the culinary advantages of a vegan diet.
Hmmmmm….
Know what?
Personal experience tells me that when you ask a vegan why they chose to become a vegan, they’ll extol virtues of all the health benefits accrued from adopting this alternative lifestyle.
What’s most bizarre about their foodie fixations are the personal denials and reluctant admissions that their meal variety is so woefully lacking.
Maybe the happiness equation for vegans is a simple one: a limited food choice = an ease of life, …thus accounting for what attracts people to becoming vegans.
Hmmmmm.
Once again, here’s my experiential take on reality:
Recipes for vegans can be written on the backs of matchbooks and business cards. That explains why vegans are always so eager to share all their recipes with you… because it doesn’t take them any time to do so.
Like a vegan pizza – also known as a plain cracker, once the cheese and meat toppings have been removed.
And by now you are probably asking yourself, what is the P.S. to all of this? If there is a post script, it would be this simple question:
P.S. “And just what are their kid’s birthday parties like?”
Hmmmmm… Blowing out the birthday compost pie sounds absolutely fabulous! Who wants the first piece?
Agree or disagree, I’m feeling a little bit hungry now myself.
Bon appetite.
Dr. Vegan Jones.
(Dr. Vegan Jones is neither a doctor nor a vegan, but offers advice freely on both).
Please also visit Why Be A Vegan?
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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Guest post – Dr. Vegan Jones.
Funny Jewish Health Advice with Humour
Let’s begin the conversation by asking the obvious question: Why would anyone choose to become a vegan? I mean willingly, given the gift of free will.
Like most people, I try to eat a balanced diet culled from as many different food groups that my spare change permits.
Conversely, a well balanced ‘vegan diet’, herein referred to as the ‘plant and grub diet’, is limited by a much smaller range of available choices.
Most doctors support the healthy food choices made by vegans such as eating extra fruit, swallowing more vegetables and consuming vast quantities of whole grains.
Doctors also agree that a vegan’s diet is high in antioxidants and fibre, reducing the likelihood of diabetes, heart disease and some cancers. But so can quitting smoking, eating bran flakes and not locking yourself in a car while the engine is on, and the garage door closed.
So please tell me. Seriously…, why?
I ask because many years ago… I once knew a vegan.
This vegan (not a nameless person, but a grown man with a name who will simply be referred to as “the vegan”) was my next-door neighbor in a trendy part of town.
We were both accomplished musicians living above a sub joint and a dry cleaner. They didn’t bother us and we didn’t bother them. It was an ecosystem of mutual disregard.
We’d jam for hours all day and then snack afterwards well into the night, eating whatever we felt like, and lots of it. Life was great.
My friend subsequently developed a litany of stomach problems and his selection of allowable edibles became quickly limited. My friend soon realized that he had no option but to stare into the abyss of veganism.
He jumped in with full force, quickly adopting the life of an orthodox vegan.
It’s like a twist on the old saying: some people are born into veganism while others, like my friend, had veganism thrust upon him.
The take away from this is that all vegans can be relied upon to be a great source for other people’s humour. I know, I know, you’ve heard all the jokes before; but this next one is the best –
Question: What’s the difference between a plant and a vegan?
Answer: A plant consumes energy.
To conclude Part 1, Funny And Jewish.com now holds the #1 Google spot for searches of “Jewish Vegan Humour” with Is Veganism the New Zionism? article. Thanx for clicking. Seriously, give a click!
(Dr. Vegan Jones is neither a doctor nor a vegan, but offers advice freely on both).
End ‘O Part 1
Please also visit Why Be A Vegan? Part 2
FunnyAndJewish.com You can click that too!
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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Vegans, Jews and Zionism
I had been asked to comment on the following resolution:
“Resolved: Veganism is the new Zionism.”
Could it be true? I started to wonder aloud to myself …ARE THEY SO SIMILAR, THEY’RE THE SAME?
According to an old proverb “There are no stupid questions”.
REALLY?
As a matter of fact there are; and the answer to this one is “No, veganism is not the new Zionism” and here’s the why –
Zionists and vegans view the world through 2 different lenses.
Vegans see meat, eggs and cheese as things to be avoided in the world. Zionists, on the other hand, see them as tools to use as weapons to oppose anyone else preventing them from fulfilling God’s biblical prophecy of living in Israel.
Vegans are nothing like Zionists because every Zionist has 1 true homeland that is Israel. You could say that a Vegan’s homeland is wherever that vegan finds himself looking at the ground to find a place to plant his breakfast.
Here’s another difference: a Zionist might find himself at war if Israel were to be attacked. A vegan could probably go through his entire life without ever seeing 5 minutes of military action if he lives in virtually any other free country.
Here’s another: Vegans have never been collectively accused of either world domination or of controlling the world’s banks. The fact that there is no “blood libel” against vegans speaks volumes, while also accounting for their high-conversion rate.
More stupid conversations about Zionists and vegans continue to abound in the Twitter universe:
Can a Zionist be a vegan?
(Yes.)
Can a vegan be a Zionist?
(Yes.)
If they’re the same, then why don’t you also capitalize the ”V” in vegan?
(…)
Let’s define our terms so we’re all on the same page in this discussion.
Who is a Zionist?
According to the Jewish Virtual Library, Zionism simply means the national movement for the return of the Jewish people to their homeland and the resumption of Jewish sovereignty in the Land of Israel.
Who is a vegan?
Indeed. Vegans don’t look any more different than you or I, excluding those of us who don’t always look perpetually exhausted or sickly.
A vegan’s diet is plant-based; not eating or using any animal by-products including meat, milk, honey, eggs or wax fruit (just checking if you’re paying attention). Orthodox vegans are also inclined to avoid wearing anything made from silk, wool and leather, as well as any other animal products for clothing or for practical use.
While disagreements have led to divisions within the Zionist movement (splinter groups have emerged, most notably Political Zionism, Socialist Zionism and Religious Zionism), no such nonsense exists in a vegan’s world.
There is very little disagreement among vegans regarding what literally constitutes “eating a living thing”. It’s pretty straightforward. In fact, there seems to be a sense of calm dwelling within practicing vegans, one that remains forever foreign and quite elusive to the Zionist.
Speaking of which, Zionists also seem to be much louder than vegans. Vegans don’t bark at you when you’re out at a deli. They seldom have enough energy… Have you ever heard of a militant vegan? Can they even be weaponized?
The Bible enumerates animals prohibited for consumption (bats, pigs, insects, etc.) only to help identify and classify those animals whose meat is permitted (cows, chickens, certain fish).
Let’s back things up. Nowhere in Judaism is eating meat prohibited (excluding fast days). Indeed, vegetarianism is never endorsed as a morally superior life style. Most Biblical festivals in Israel (Zionists by nature) involved the consumption of meat. Today there are rabbinic opinions that argue a “meal” that does not include meat, does not qualify as a true (i.e. legal) holiday meal!
For Zionists living in Israel, it’s very difficult to be a vegan. For vegans, it is not very difficult to live outside of Israel.
In Biblical days, Jews were religiously obligated to eat meat, specifically roasted meat on Passover. They could not abstain from fear of rising cholesterol.
Speaking of Zionists, has the United Nations ever passed a resolution in the General Assembly equating veganism with racism? F.Y.I., it was a charitable N.G.O. that likened veganism with vegetarianism. That resolution was also subsequently abolished courtesy of a very small, but powerful European-based vegetarian lobby group with tentacles deep in Washington D.C.
Jewish texts are replete with examples of meat consumption. For example, when Abraham invited guests he served meat, not tofu. When the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, they were given quail to eat. And Temple donations were made in the form of animals, eventually eaten by the high priests.
You don’t have to be religious to be a Zionist, but you can be a religious vegan. Are you confused yet? Read on.
If a Zionist was stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat but animals, would he eat meat? You bet he would! I’m also betting that a starving vegan would also eat the meat just as fast as the Zionist. Come to think of it, a stranded vegan might also drink his own urine.
Just the same, I’d sooner cook for myself.
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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Funny Jewish Medical Humour
Every day, more and more people around the world are repeatedly being told that they are stupid. Additionally, millions more are being medically assessed for stupidity and legitimately being diagnosed as simply being stupid.
Brown day, the official day that celebrates individual stupidity and celebrated every April 31 by wearing only the colour brown, is a day to raise awareness and reduce the stigma that surrounds this disorder.
Approximately 14% of the general North American population have been expertly deemed to be stupid, having been pronounced so by medical practitioners and by real actors playing doctors on TV.
For those afflicted by the ravages of stupidity, 15,000,000 will be formally diagnosed as being legitimately stupid by the age of 18, with 39% of all stupid cases being detected by the age of 5.
In about 50-65% of all cases, the cause of stupidity mysteriously remains unknown!
What Is Stupidity?
Simply put, stupidity is a neurological disorder characterized by short and recurrent stupid thoughts. A stupid thought is a brief disruption of the electrical activity of the brain.
The different natures and tendencies of ludicrous thoughts and ridiculous notions varies from person to person across the board.
These people need large nets!
One crazy thought does not make one stupid. Not necessarily.
Nor does a whacky thought mean that one is stupid (only stupid thoughts are indicative of stupidity…and many of them in quick succession).
When the tendency to repeat stupid ideas and broach absurd suggestions occurs for unknown reasons or because of an underlying problem that can’t be corrected, that condition is known as stupidity.
Stupidity is Not
…A Disease
…A form of Mental Illness
…Mental Retardation or signs of Low Intelligence
…Contagious
Stupidity can be divided into 2 categories –
Partial: Your stupid thoughts, ill conceived and poorly thought-out actions only affect you;
Generalized: Your stupidity affects both you and someone else.
Causes of Stupidity
- Idiopathic – There is not 1 identifiable cuase to account for th onset of stupidity
- Cryptogenic – Refers to unknown causes. However, doctors believe that it may be related to some unidentifiable abnormality in one’s thinking (officially referred to as “stinky thinking“.
- Symptomatic – One’s stupidity is traceable to a root cause, most likely being a hit to the head at one point in one’s life.
For more absurdities and humorous problems, click here for advice given by the Funny and Jewish Answer Lady to a mother whose children refuse to move back home!
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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Studies and research are always popular subjects here at funnyandjewish. Our readers always tend to leave our site more quickly yet still more informed compared to those other funny Jewish humour sites. Feh!If you haven’t checked out our other articles, they’re worth a read. And please don’t forget to leave a comment below.
Today we have an incredible find to add to our “Duh!” collection. Here it comes:
A new Jewish study concludes that if you’re happy at work, then you are generally more likely to be productive as well.
1, 2, 3, “Duh!”
Jewish economists in Israel whose job it is to conduct studies for universities, found happiness makes us all around 15% more productive.
The study will be published in a Jewish journal aptly called “You Don’t Say?”, and will also include case studies of 144 experiments with more than 3,000 Jewish participants.
The study’s leader and chief Marxist said: “Under scientifically controlled conditions, making workers happier pays off for everyone in the collective and on the kibbutz”.
Fellow Israeli researcher and Jewish communist think-tank liaison said “happier” workers (i.e. rich, rich, rich) tend to use their time more effectively (personal banking rather than working), increasing their pace without sacrificing the quality of their work.
This study should put to rest all those other studies that claim this kind of research and the conclusions that they draw are useless.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish humour website.
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Senior medical marijuana users in Canada have a name for it: It’s called Gunja Poverty.
It’s what happens when the amount of money it costs to pay for home heating and electricity leaves you without enough money to pay for your weed and other necessities like bongs, rolling papers or medical cannabinoid-based edibles.
Sadly, this is what is currently happening to the elderly on pensions everywhere in assisted-living communities and nursing homes across Canada.
The average senior who is prescribed medical marijuana by their doctors and through the blessings of new Canadian government regulations courtesy of Health Canada, is finding it difficult to pay for their cannabis giggle smoke because of rising energy costs.
As senior’s hydro bills keep spiraling out of control, they find themselves no longer able to maintain their home hydroponic marijuana operations.
Newly installed hydro Smart Meters are to blame.
“Until the Smart Meter was installed, the grow-op here at the Jewish Senior’s complex could produce huge amounts of dynamite weed for as little as a $2.05/gram”, said a volunteer who asked not to be identified.
As of this writing, all the equipment must be shuttered, forcing the elderly to pay street prices in excess 0f $10/gram for their bud.
“You work all your life and save and save, and then you find that even after last year’s bumper crop of skunky Mary Jane, you find that you can’t afford to pay for your medicinal marijuana, pot cookies and funny brownies or even some crumbs of space cake.”
A spokesman for the local hydro says that this is a common complaint, especially in this record cold winter. “We have seen a 300% increase in calls regarding high bills for their grow-ops compared to this time last year. Strangely enough, the elderly seem to be the most vocal about it”.
That they now have to leave their old-age nursing homes to purchase their marijuana is one more unnecessary burden that we are uploading onto the elderly. This is a national disgrace!
Take a “green” movement that promotes expensive energy initiatives, add to that gouging taxes, and top it all off with staggering delivery charges and the result is a toxic brew for expensive pot that seniors can no longer afford.
It’s a combination that leaves our seniors in the dark, wondering just how they are going to pay for their next once. Another unwelcomed source of anxiety for our most vulnerable pot smokers.
Next Week: Converting former grow-op spaces into something else recreational for seniors.
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Syria’s Black Friday online sales topped $1 (all sales in US figures) for the first time this year as more Syrian consumers used the Internet to do their holiday shopping.
Online sales exploded by as much as 100% on Black Friday, up from absolutely nothing on the exact same day of last year or any day of any year, according to those who keep these kinds of figures.
And accordingly, these figures mean something. Last year, for example, many people bought many e-things online. But not in Syria, where its easier to wake up without a kidney than it is to manage your e-commerce spending.
However, the good news is that e-commerce spending is growing much faster than the Syrian brick-and-mortar retail stores because the Syrian brick-and-mortar retail stores are no longer left standing.
Funny Jewish Humour (Jewish humor)
The lovely prayer meeting with my friend turned out to be a nightmare. Sure we had a couple of l’chiams before we began to pray but so what?
I was poorly prepared when he not only had wine, but gulped down some cognac and concluded with a couple of scotches.
After the last “Amen”, I ended up taking his car keys and checked him into a local hotel. I all seemed so undramatic until I realized that I had to pray again with this tomorrow morning. What was I going to say to him?
It is always a painful to watch a friend or associate behave badly while praying after downing one too many. Fiends and colleagues are likely to know someone who is abusing alcohol with prayer long before the rabbi does, helping to steer him away from trouble.
Try this: If your friend could endangers his community’s’ prayers from being accepted by God, take away his car keys, call him a cab, look him in the eye and tell hem to pray elsewhere.
You can always find a 10th guy anywhere.
Remember, never be accusing. Instead of saying something like “Wow, you were really drunk this morning”, say “I felt incredibly embarrassed for you after you told that joke during the mourner’s prayer”. Maybe you have a drinking problem or perhaps you’re simply experiencing difficulty with Jewish prayer.
If your Shul/Synagogue/Temple/Tent/etc. has a member assistance program, steer him in that direction. If that resource is unavailable, suggest contacting an alcohol treatment center for up-to-date information of local prayer times.
Sometimes being kind means being tough to protect your minion. It is never easy to speak up to someone who is self-destructing with prayer and alcohol. Still, 9 out of 10 rabbis say it’s the right thing to do. The 10th is still off drunk.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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Do you know of any support groups for parents whose children refuse to move back home?
We have several 20-something children who have all finished school, are without jobs and can’t figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. I firmly believe that in today’s economy, it would be foolhardy not to move back home where meals, lodging and unconditional love are free.
My husband and I could use the emotional support that a group might provide. Do you know where we could find such a group, or does this association only exist in my head along with all those other voices?
Tearing Out What’s Left of My Husband’s Hair
Dear Tearing,
I do know of one organization called Never Cut The Chord.
(Full disclosure: Funny and Jewish is currently considering Never Cut The Chord as an advertising client.)
As a bubbie of too many grandchildren that I’ve lost count (Ed note: you can never have enough grandchildren), I also suggest holding an informal get-together meeting over a Sabbath lunch…your treat to start. But you are correct. Families with aging children living at home today have a lot more on their plates than pizza pops.
You and your husband must lay down some rules: The most important being that your babies are always grateful and behave with dignity while they sponge off you for the rest of your lives. The second, is that they must at some point during their stay, actively look for work (or marry someone who will).
Finally, you might also want to legally will the house to the lot of them so you can go off to your final resting place knowing that your kids will always have a roof over their heads.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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This time of year many Jews are left wondering, “Should I be sending my rabbi some sort of holiday greeting? And if so, is it appropriate to flash off a quick, time-saving Chanukah e-message, or is a traditional paper card still the way to go?”
The International Coalition of Jewish Councils agree that it is definitely a good idea to send your rabbi holiday greetings.
Further studies have shown those same rabbinical recipients were more likely to be lenient with their congregants and less likely to hit them up for donations simply because they each received a friendly Chanukah card.
Leaving a little something in your rabbi’s mailbox is a good idea if not for the simple reason that it is a powerful, yet very subtle way of networking a guest seat at your rabbi’s table for Shabbos. Oh yes, he will remember you!
However, when it comes to e-mailing your rabbi, experts suggest holding back for a variety of reasons. Many senior rabbis have an “old school” mentality. An e-mail may be interpreted by these Juden as being too cavalier, …like this website.
In addition, e-cards lack the personal touch of a handwritten note. Think of a doctor’s prescription. And while we’re on it, Tweeting your rabbi or Liking him on Facebook is also a no-no.
Remember, as with all great intentions, this gesture can backfire on you unless you follow the proper protocols. Cards remain a great alternative in lieu of real, actual gifts that will end up costing you a lot more money. Here are a few more guidelines to consider:
- Do not buy a Christmas card and scratch out the word Christmas and write the word Chanukah over it.
- Pictures of Christmas trees can never be substituted for a Chanukah bush.
- Never go with cheaply made cards that can bleed all over a holy rabbi’s hands. Remember, those hands will be blessing your congregation!
- Not everyone celebrates the festival of Chanukah the same way. The wrong applesauce or type of sour cream on your guest’s latkes may, heaven forbid, send them into an emotional tailspin lasting more than 8 days. Customs and mileage may vary; consult with your local orthodox rabbinic authority.
- Always check your spelling if writing an inscription or just practicing your calligraphy. Any good points that you might score with your rabbi will be lost if he opens a card wishing him a “Happy Chaka Khan”.