Funny Jewish Health Advice with Humour
Please also visit Why Be A Vegan?
Guest post – Dr. Vegan Jones.
Why are there so many fat kosher vegans out there? How could that ever happen on their ubber restrictive diets?
They must be lying to us, and most importantly lying to themselves. They are simply eating more than their ‘plant and grub’ daily intake allows.
Did these newly minted vegans just decide 5 minutes ago that after decades of stuffing their body like Pizza Hut ovens, that right there and then and all of a sudden, they finally resolved (5 MINUTES AGO!) that they would never, ever, ever eat any meat, cheese, fish, or anything that you’d think of ever putting BBQ sauce on ever again?
Or maybe not.
In trying to explain this vegan craze (and by craze I mean that there are 38+ BING returns for the search Vegan Craze [try it yourself and click!]), I decided to deeply explore the culinary advantages of a vegan diet.
Hmmmmm….
Know what?
Personal experience tells me that when you ask a vegan why they chose to become a vegan, they’ll extol virtues of all the health benefits accrued from adopting this alternative lifestyle.
What’s most bizarre about their foodie fixations are the personal denials and reluctant admissions that their meal variety is so woefully lacking.
Maybe the happiness equation for vegans is a simple one: a limited food choice = an ease of life, …thus accounting for what attracts people to becoming vegans.
Hmmmmm.
Once again, here’s my experiential take on reality:
Recipes for vegans can be written on the backs of matchbooks and business cards. That explains why vegans are always so eager to share all their recipes with you… because it doesn’t take them any time to do so.
Like a vegan pizza – also known as a plain cracker, once the cheese and meat toppings have been removed.
And by now you are probably asking yourself, what is the P.S. to all of this? If there is a post script, it would be this simple question:
P.S. “And just what are their kid’s birthday parties like?”
Hmmmmm… Blowing out the birthday compost pie sounds absolutely fabulous! Who wants the first piece?
Agree or disagree, I’m feeling a little bit hungry now myself.
Bon appetite.
Dr. Vegan Jones.
(Dr. Vegan Jones is neither a doctor nor a vegan, but offers advice freely on both).
Please also visit Why Be A Vegan?
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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Vegans, Jews and Zionism
I had been asked to comment on the following resolution:
“Resolved: Veganism is the new Zionism.”
Could it be true? I started to wonder aloud to myself …ARE THEY SO SIMILAR, THEY’RE THE SAME?
According to an old proverb “There are no stupid questions”.
REALLY?
As a matter of fact there are; and the answer to this one is “No, veganism is not the new Zionism” and here’s the why –
Zionists and vegans view the world through 2 different lenses.
Vegans see meat, eggs and cheese as things to be avoided in the world. Zionists, on the other hand, see them as tools to use as weapons to oppose anyone else preventing them from fulfilling God’s biblical prophecy of living in Israel.
Vegans are nothing like Zionists because every Zionist has 1 true homeland that is Israel. You could say that a Vegan’s homeland is wherever that vegan finds himself looking at the ground to find a place to plant his breakfast.
Here’s another difference: a Zionist might find himself at war if Israel were to be attacked. A vegan could probably go through his entire life without ever seeing 5 minutes of military action if he lives in virtually any other free country.
Here’s another: Vegans have never been collectively accused of either world domination or of controlling the world’s banks. The fact that there is no “blood libel” against vegans speaks volumes, while also accounting for their high-conversion rate.
More stupid conversations about Zionists and vegans continue to abound in the Twitter universe:
Can a Zionist be a vegan?
(Yes.)
Can a vegan be a Zionist?
(Yes.)
If they’re the same, then why don’t you also capitalize the ”V” in vegan?
(…)
Let’s define our terms so we’re all on the same page in this discussion.
Who is a Zionist?
According to the Jewish Virtual Library, Zionism simply means the national movement for the return of the Jewish people to their homeland and the resumption of Jewish sovereignty in the Land of Israel.
Who is a vegan?
Indeed. Vegans don’t look any more different than you or I, excluding those of us who don’t always look perpetually exhausted or sickly.
A vegan’s diet is plant-based; not eating or using any animal by-products including meat, milk, honey, eggs or wax fruit (just checking if you’re paying attention). Orthodox vegans are also inclined to avoid wearing anything made from silk, wool and leather, as well as any other animal products for clothing or for practical use.
While disagreements have led to divisions within the Zionist movement (splinter groups have emerged, most notably Political Zionism, Socialist Zionism and Religious Zionism), no such nonsense exists in a vegan’s world.
There is very little disagreement among vegans regarding what literally constitutes “eating a living thing”. It’s pretty straightforward. In fact, there seems to be a sense of calm dwelling within practicing vegans, one that remains forever foreign and quite elusive to the Zionist.
Speaking of which, Zionists also seem to be much louder than vegans. Vegans don’t bark at you when you’re out at a deli. They seldom have enough energy… Have you ever heard of a militant vegan? Can they even be weaponized?
The Bible enumerates animals prohibited for consumption (bats, pigs, insects, etc.) only to help identify and classify those animals whose meat is permitted (cows, chickens, certain fish).
Let’s back things up. Nowhere in Judaism is eating meat prohibited (excluding fast days). Indeed, vegetarianism is never endorsed as a morally superior life style. Most Biblical festivals in Israel (Zionists by nature) involved the consumption of meat. Today there are rabbinic opinions that argue a “meal” that does not include meat, does not qualify as a true (i.e. legal) holiday meal!
For Zionists living in Israel, it’s very difficult to be a vegan. For vegans, it is not very difficult to live outside of Israel.
In Biblical days, Jews were religiously obligated to eat meat, specifically roasted meat on Passover. They could not abstain from fear of rising cholesterol.
Speaking of Zionists, has the United Nations ever passed a resolution in the General Assembly equating veganism with racism? F.Y.I., it was a charitable N.G.O. that likened veganism with vegetarianism. That resolution was also subsequently abolished courtesy of a very small, but powerful European-based vegetarian lobby group with tentacles deep in Washington D.C.
Jewish texts are replete with examples of meat consumption. For example, when Abraham invited guests he served meat, not tofu. When the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, they were given quail to eat. And Temple donations were made in the form of animals, eventually eaten by the high priests.
You don’t have to be religious to be a Zionist, but you can be a religious vegan. Are you confused yet? Read on.
If a Zionist was stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat but animals, would he eat meat? You bet he would! I’m also betting that a starving vegan would also eat the meat just as fast as the Zionist. Come to think of it, a stranded vegan might also drink his own urine.
Just the same, I’d sooner cook for myself.
Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.
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Jewish Humour
Arafat Scheduled To Rise From Tomb – West Bank
The dead, rotting, decomposing bodily remains of former PLO terrorist Yasser “that’s my baby” Arafat will be exhumed so an autopsy can be performed more than 8 years after his death.
The examination comes after a French court (surprise!) launched a murder investigation (bombshell!) after a Swiss organization (love their neutrality!) revealed “suspicious” results (in a Clinton/Lewinsky way) found on his decaying clothing.
Conspiracy enthusiasts have persistently blamed Israeli assassins for Arafat’s death for over the past 8 years.
The Palestinian committee in charge of leading this investigation is as reliable as every other Palestinian committee that has preceded it. That is to say, it is of absolutely no use at all.
Is turnabout fair play?. We might never know because there is no equivalent Jewish law permitting an elected Israeli government from exhuming the corpses of formerly living politicians to divert attention whenever an Arab/Palestinian rocket lands on Israeli soil.
Remember, one man’s scientist is another man’s anti-Semite and just as in the Monica Lewinsky case, Palestinian sympathizers the world over will try to lay claim that the DNA on “the dead guy’s clothes” proves something sinister.
For the record, including CD’s and MP3’s, 8 years after Arafat’s death, Israel denies any association with the former terrorist’s demise, and continues to refuse to pay any portion of Arafat’s excessive dry-cleaning bill.
Yasser…, that’s my baby.
Nasser…, I don’t mean maybe.
Funny Clean Jewish Humour
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Studies and research are always popular subjects here at funnyandjewish. Our readers always tend to leave our site more quickly yet still more informed compared to those other funny Jewish humour sites. Feh!If you haven’t checked out our other articles, they’re worth a read. And please don’t forget to leave a comment below.
Today we have an incredible find to add to our “Duh!” collection. Here it comes:
A new Jewish study concludes that if you’re happy at work, then you are generally more likely to be productive as well.
1, 2, 3, “Duh!”
Jewish economists in Israel whose job it is to conduct studies for universities, found happiness makes us all around 15% more productive.
The study will be published in a Jewish journal aptly called “You Don’t Say?”, and will also include case studies of 144 experiments with more than 3,000 Jewish participants.
The study’s leader and chief Marxist said: “Under scientifically controlled conditions, making workers happier pays off for everyone in the collective and on the kibbutz”.
Fellow Israeli researcher and Jewish communist think-tank liaison said “happier” workers (i.e. rich, rich, rich) tend to use their time more effectively (personal banking rather than working), increasing their pace without sacrificing the quality of their work.
This study should put to rest all those other studies that claim this kind of research and the conclusions that they draw are useless.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish humour website.
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Senior medical marijuana users in Canada have a name for it: It’s called Gunja Poverty.
It’s what happens when the amount of money it costs to pay for home heating and electricity leaves you without enough money to pay for your weed and other necessities like bongs, rolling papers or medical cannabinoid-based edibles.
Sadly, this is what is currently happening to the elderly on pensions everywhere in assisted-living communities and nursing homes across Canada.
The average senior who is prescribed medical marijuana by their doctors and through the blessings of new Canadian government regulations courtesy of Health Canada, is finding it difficult to pay for their cannabis giggle smoke because of rising energy costs.
As senior’s hydro bills keep spiraling out of control, they find themselves no longer able to maintain their home hydroponic marijuana operations.
Newly installed hydro Smart Meters are to blame.
“Until the Smart Meter was installed, the grow-op here at the Jewish Senior’s complex could produce huge amounts of dynamite weed for as little as a $2.05/gram”, said a volunteer who asked not to be identified.
As of this writing, all the equipment must be shuttered, forcing the elderly to pay street prices in excess 0f $10/gram for their bud.
“You work all your life and save and save, and then you find that even after last year’s bumper crop of skunky Mary Jane, you find that you can’t afford to pay for your medicinal marijuana, pot cookies and funny brownies or even some crumbs of space cake.”
A spokesman for the local hydro says that this is a common complaint, especially in this record cold winter. “We have seen a 300% increase in calls regarding high bills for their grow-ops compared to this time last year. Strangely enough, the elderly seem to be the most vocal about it”.
That they now have to leave their old-age nursing homes to purchase their marijuana is one more unnecessary burden that we are uploading onto the elderly. This is a national disgrace!
Take a “green” movement that promotes expensive energy initiatives, add to that gouging taxes, and top it all off with staggering delivery charges and the result is a toxic brew for expensive pot that seniors can no longer afford.
It’s a combination that leaves our seniors in the dark, wondering just how they are going to pay for their next once. Another unwelcomed source of anxiety for our most vulnerable pot smokers.
Next Week: Converting former grow-op spaces into something else recreational for seniors.
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Jewish Humour
In a decisive move intended to break deadlocked Israeli-Palestinian negotiations, Chief Palestinian mediator Saeb Erakt is prepared to recognize the United States as a Jewish State.
The thinking behind this decision is there are simply more Jews in the U.S. than in Israel. The dramatic announcement is believed intended to force direct face-to-face talks, whose end game is the creation of a Palestinian state (in this universe).
Unnamed Palestinian sources (though JeWikiLeaks released the names of their spouses) confirmed that a Palestinian state would fully welcome the Jewish State, providing it remained within the continental United States.
The proposal comes with additional preconditions, however. The Palestinian Authority demand an immediate freeze on all Jewish settlements in Lakewood NJ, South East Florida and all of Hollywood. Mel Gibson will raise a glass or 2 (hundred) on this last one.
”It’s all about compromise” Erakt said with a straight face. “That’s what Arabs do”, although he couldn’t come up with a single historical example. “We also insist on racially profiling anyone who’s remotely funny and Jewish (i.e. infidels). And we ask that everyone kindly turn a blind eye to honor killings.”
Israel responded by offering to build entire villages on Arab land anywhere outside of Israel, including London.
Proposal’s Pros: The numbers make sense.
There are more Jews who live in the U.S. than Israel (6.5 vs. 5.77 million). If the majority of Jews live in the Diaspora, then that is where you put their country.
To bend a phrase, if the Jews won’t go to Israel, then Israel will go to the Jews. Or as Mike Brady said in The Brady Bunch Movie: “Wherever you go, there you are.”
If achieved, the demographic implications resulting from this land-transfer would be staggering and could come back to bite the United Arab Emirates in their barrels.
Iranian President and Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stands the most to lose. Ahmadinejad would wake up to a new existential threat facing his country when seemingly over-night, the “Little Satan” had blossomed into a full “Uber Satan”, transforming “The Zionist Enemy” into the world’s #1 military super power.
Proposal’s Cons: The numbers don’t make sense.
While 45% of the world’s Jews live in America, the US Jewish population as a percent of the entire US is negligible. What’s the point of having a Zionist country where the Zionists make up less than 2% of the population? The odds are better to stay in Israel where support seldom drops bellow double digits.
Should we buy into this pledge?
By all means, yes we should. And why not? This is as ridiculous as every other Palestinian proposal sold as a “willingness to promote peace”. Let Israel take its’ usual wait-and-see approach i.e. wait and see how long it takes for the Palestinians to abrogate their commitments.
Previous guarantees to include maps of Israeli cities with their corresponding Hebrew names in school textbooks or removing Palestinian children’s programming that glorify martyrdom come to mind. These promises were dedicated with as much sincerity as this current, vacuous proposal.
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Israeli riot police girded with metal barriers and human chains held back thousands of Orthodox Jewish protestors who tried to prevent a liberal Jewish woman’s group from removing a book from a local library in Jerusalem.
This is the first time police have supported the women, and not the protestors.
A recent Israeli Supreme court order supports a Jewish woman’s right to borrow books from a Jewish library using practices that Orthodox Jewery maintains is solely the domain of men (minimum 10 actually).
The “Women of the Library” have been holding monthly meetings on the first day of the Hebrew month, preparing for the day when they too might ultimately and legally be able to withdraw a book.
Like their male counterparts, these women also parade around town with their own set of library cards. Ultra, Ultra, Ultra Orthodox leaders have accused them of violating “local customs” and many of the groups members have been arrested (although it should be mentioned that these arrests are on separate charges and have nothing to do with women trying to be literate like men).
The tables have been turned. Police protected the Jewish women and arrested everyone else for disorderly conduct.
“It’s a historic moment” group antagonist Sheila Grossman squealed as Israeli media reported that some rabbis called on their followers to flood all local libraries to take out all books except those dealing with gender equality and crock pot cookery.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website
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Clown’s Visit to Hamas-Controlled Gaza Threatens Regional Stability
Treading where other Arab leaders have feared, Bozo The Clown received a hero’s welcome when he set his big floppy clown shoes down in Gaza for the very first time.
Bozo’s visit best illustrates a new Arab political strategy of extreme, yet diverse alliances amid a region rocked by turmoil.
“This goes far beyond anything any Arab leader would do and is certainly a bold step forward,” said a former Dubai Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus employee.
The visit is seen by many in the Arab League (not to be confused with the DC comics Justice League) to be the largest diplomatic victory for Hamas since ousting Mahmoud Abbas and his Fatah party from power in 2007.
The Palestinian Authority is understandably livid, fearing Bozo’s presence has further legitimized Hamas.
In a speech delivered at Gaza’s General Hospital and Armory, Bozo urged all warring Palestinian factions to reconcile, and then began honking every nose within reach.
As for Israel, the IDF is officially “uncomfortable” with Bozo’s ersatz diplomatic visit and slapstick approach to mid-east politics. Observers note that it is quite unusual for a clown of Bozo’s stature to publicly take sides on such a contentious issue.
“Geopolitics is usually not within the scope of a children’s entertainer. By publicly embracing Hamas, Bozo has thrown years of middle-east peace negotiations under a bus.”
The final and most critical question is whether other notable luminaries such as Sid and Marty Krofft’s 1970’s Saturday morning TV characters (H.R. Pufnstuf, The Banana Splits, Sigmund And The Sea Monster) might also appear in the Palestinian-controlled territories in advance of next week’s Muslim Brotherhood’s arrival?
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Pope Francis has admitted that a “Jewish lobby” exists within the Vatican’s administration and is planning to take action about it.
The Pontiff made the claim during an audience at the Vatican with a lobby group of American waiters from Long John Silvers who are petitioning the Vatican to allow fish to be eaten on Fridays.
“Yes, it is difficult,” he reportedly said. “In the restaurant business there are holy people, truly holy people who just want to eat fish. Maybe every day. But, and this is also true, there is a current of corruption I call the ’Jewish lobby’ and we will have to see what we can do.”
A Vatican spokesman would not deny the Pope’s remarks but refused to comment on the statement which was also posted on the Popes personal blog. “He’s allowed to post anything he wants to after hours on his WordPress blog.
Whereas in the past, reports of a ‘Jewish lobby’ inside the Vatican would have been startling, today, veteran observers are unfazed by Pope Francis remarks.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website
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Russia will officially ban foreign couples from adopting same-sex pets (cats, dogs, mammals in general) an official told to Funny and Jewish, underscoring an emerging rift with the West over same-sex pet ownership rights.
Russian President Putin said that a remnant French law from the Napoleonic age allowing same-sex pets were against traditional Russian values.
Moscow has signaled that it will “take necessary steps” to ensure couples from abroad do not adopt same-sex pets.
An amendment restricting foreign adoptions as being of traditional male+female canines and felines is awaiting Russian parliamentary submission.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website
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