Funny Jewish Health Advice with Humour

Please also visit Why Be A Vegan?

Guest post – Dr. Vegan Jones.

Why are there so many fat kosher vegans out there? How could that ever happen on their ubber restrictive diets?

They must be lying to us, and most importantly lying to themselves. They are simply eating more than their ‘plant and grub’ daily intake allows.

Did these newly minted vegans just decide 5 minutes ago that after decades of stuffing their body like Pizza Hut ovens, that right there and then and all of a sudden, they finally resolved (5 MINUTES AGO!) that they would never, ever, ever eat any meat, cheese,  fish, or anything that you’d think of ever putting BBQ sauce on ever again?

Or maybe not.

In trying to explain this vegan craze (and by craze I mean that there are 38+ BING returns for the search Vegan Craze [try it yourself and click!]), I decided to deeply explore the culinary advantages of a vegan diet.

Hmmmmm….

Know what?

Personal experience tells me that when you ask a vegan why they chose to become a vegan, they’ll extol virtues of all the health benefits accrued from adopting this alternative lifestyle.

What’s most bizarre about their foodie fixations are the personal denials and reluctant admissions that their meal variety is so woefully lacking.

Maybe the happiness equation for vegans is a simple one: a limited food choice = an ease of life, …thus accounting for what attracts people to becoming vegans.

Hmmmmm.

Once again, here’s my experiential take on reality:

Recipes for vegans can be written on the backs of matchbooks and business cards. That explains why vegans are always so eager to share all their recipes with you… because it doesn’t take them any time to do so.

Like a vegan pizza – also known as a plain cracker, once the cheese and meat toppings have been removed.

And by now you are probably asking yourself, what is the P.S. to all of this? If there is a post script, it would be this simple question:

P.S. “And just what are their kid’s birthday parties like?”

Hmmmmm… Blowing out the birthday compost pie sounds absolutely fabulous! Who wants the first piece?

Agree or disagree, I’m feeling a little bit hungry now myself.

Bon appetite.

Dr. Vegan Jones.

(Dr. Vegan Jones is neither a doctor nor a vegan, but offers advice freely on both).

Please also visit Why Be A Vegan?

FunnyAndJewish.com

Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.

Guest post – Dr. Vegan Jones.

Funny Jewish Health Advice with Humour

Let’s begin the conversation by asking the obvious question: Why would anyone choose to become a vegan? I mean willingly, given the gift of free will.

Like most people, I try to eat a balanced diet culled from as many different food groups that my spare change permits.

Conversely, a well balanced ‘vegan diet’, herein referred to as the ‘plant and grub diet’, is limited by a much smaller range of available choices.

Most doctors support the healthy food choices made by vegans such as eating extra fruit, swallowing more vegetables and consuming vast quantities of whole grains.

Doctors also agree that a vegan’s diet is high in antioxidants and fibre, reducing the likelihood of diabetes, heart disease and some cancers. But so can quitting smoking, eating bran flakes and not locking yourself in a car while the engine is on, and the garage door closed.

So please tell me. Seriously…, why?

I ask because many years ago… I once knew a vegan.

This vegan (not a nameless person, but a grown man with a name who will simply be referred to as “the vegan”) was my next-door neighbor in a trendy part of town.

We were both accomplished musicians living above a sub joint and a dry cleaner. They didn’t bother us and we didn’t bother them. It was an ecosystem of mutual disregard.

We’d jam for hours all day and then snack afterwards well into the night, eating whatever we felt like, and lots of it. Life was great.

My friend subsequently developed a litany of stomach problems and his selection of allowable edibles became quickly limited. My friend soon realized that he had no option but to stare into the abyss of veganism.

He jumped in with full force, quickly adopting the life of an orthodox vegan.

It’s like a twist on the old saying: some people are born into veganism while others, like my friend, had veganism thrust upon him.

The take away from this is that all vegans can be relied upon to be a great source for other people’s humour. I know, I know, you’ve heard all the jokes before; but this next one is the best –

Question: What’s the difference between a plant and a vegan?

Answer: A plant consumes energy.

To conclude Part 1, Funny And Jewish.com now holds the #1 Google spot for searches of “Jewish Vegan Humour” with Is Veganism the New Zionism? article. Thanx for clicking. Seriously, give a click!

(Dr. Vegan Jones is neither a doctor nor a vegan, but offers advice freely on both).

End ‘O Part 1

Please also visit Why Be A Vegan? Part 2

FunnyAndJewish.com You can click that too!

Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.

Studies and research are always popular subjects here at funnyandjewish. Our readers always tend to leave our site more quickly yet still more informed compared to those other funny Jewish humour sites. Feh!

If you haven’t checked out our other articles, they’re worth a read. And please don’t forget to leave a comment below.

Today we have an incredible find to add to our “Duh!” collection. Here it comes:

A new Jewish study concludes that if you’re happy at work, then you are generally more likely to be productive as well.

1, 2, 3, “Duh!”

Jewish economists in Israel whose job it is to conduct studies for universities, found happiness makes us all around 15% more productive.

The study will be published in a Jewish journal aptly called “You Don’t Say?”, and will also include case studies of 144 experiments with more than 3,000 Jewish participants.

The study’s leader and chief Marxist said: “Under scientifically controlled conditions, making workers happier pays off for everyone in the collective and on the kibbutz”.

Fellow Israeli researcher and Jewish communist think-tank liaison said “happier” workers (i.e. rich, rich, rich) tend to use their time more effectively (personal banking rather than working), increasing their pace without sacrificing the quality of their work.

This study should put to rest all those other studies that claim this kind of research and the conclusions that they draw are useless.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish humour website.

Senior medical marijuana users in Canada have a name for it: It’s called Gunja Poverty.

It’s what happens when the amount of money it costs to pay for home heating and electricity leaves you without enough money to pay for your weed and other necessities like bongs, rolling papers or medical cannabinoid-based edibles.

Sadly, this is what is currently happening to the elderly on pensions everywhere in assisted-living communities and nursing homes across Canada.

The average senior who is prescribed medical marijuana by their doctors and through the blessings of new Canadian government regulations courtesy of Health Canada, is finding it difficult to pay for their cannabis giggle smoke because of  rising energy costs.

As senior’s hydro bills keep spiraling out of control, they find themselves no longer able to maintain their home hydroponic marijuana operations.

Newly installed hydro Smart Meters are to blame.

“Until the Smart Meter was installed, the grow-op here at the Jewish Senior’s complex could produce huge amounts of dynamite weed for as little as a $2.05/gram”, said a volunteer who asked not to be identified.

As of this writing, all the equipment must be shuttered, forcing the elderly to pay street prices in excess 0f $10/gram for their bud.

“You work all your life and save and save, and then you find that even after last year’s bumper crop of skunky Mary Jane, you find that you can’t afford to pay for your medicinal marijuana, pot cookies and funny brownies or even some crumbs of space cake.”

A spokesman for the local hydro says that this is a common complaint, especially in this record cold winter. “We have seen a 300% increase in calls regarding high bills for their grow-ops compared to this time last year. Strangely enough, the elderly seem to be the most vocal about it”.

That they now have to leave their old-age nursing homes to purchase their marijuana is one more unnecessary burden that we are uploading onto the elderly. This is a national disgrace!

Take a “green” movement that promotes expensive energy initiatives, add to that gouging taxes, and top it all off with staggering delivery charges and the result is a toxic brew for expensive pot that seniors can no longer afford.

It’s a combination that leaves our seniors in the dark, wondering just how they are going to pay for their next once. Another unwelcomed source of anxiety for our most vulnerable pot smokers.

Next Week: Converting former grow-op spaces into something else recreational for seniors.

In a decisive move intended to break deadlocked Israeli-Palestinian negotiations, Chief Palestinian mediator Saeb Erakt is prepared to recognize the United States as a Jewish State.

The thinking behind this decision is there are simply more Jews in the U.S. than in Israel. The dramatic announcement is believed intended to force direct face-to-face talks, whose end game is the creation of a Palestinian state (in this universe).

Unnamed Palestinian sources (though JeWikiLeaks released the names of their spouses) confirmed that a Palestinian state would fully welcome the Jewish State, providing it remained within the continental United States.

The proposal comes with additional preconditions, however. The Palestinian Authority demand an immediate freeze on all Jewish settlements in Lakewood NJ, South East Florida and all of Hollywood. Mel Gibson will raise a glass or 2 (hundred) on this last one.

”It’s all about compromise” Erakt said with a straight face. “That’s what Arabs do”, although he couldn’t come up with a single historical example. “We also insist on racially profiling anyone who’s remotely funny and Jewish (i.e. infidels). And we ask that everyone kindly turn a blind eye to honor killings.”

Israel  responded by offering to build entire villages on Arab land anywhere outside of Israel, including London.

Proposal’s Pros: The numbers make sense.

There are more Jews who live in the U.S. than Israel (6.5 vs. 5.77 million). If the majority of Jews live in the Diaspora, then that is where you put their country.

To bend a phrase, if the Jews won’t go to Israel, then Israel will go to the Jews. Or as Mike Brady said in The Brady Bunch Movie: “Wherever you go, there you are.”

If achieved, the demographic implications resulting from this land-transfer would be staggering and could come back to bite the United Arab Emirates in their barrels.

Iranian President and Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stands the most to lose. Ahmadinejad would wake up to a new existential threat facing his country when seemingly over-night, the “Little Satan” had blossomed into a full “Uber Satan”, transforming “The Zionist Enemy” into the world’s #1 military super power.

Proposal’s Cons: The numbers don’t make sense.

While 45% of the world’s Jews live in America, the US Jewish population as a percent of the entire US is negligible. What’s the point of having a Zionist country where the Zionists make up less than 2% of the population? The odds are better to stay in Israel where support seldom drops bellow double digits.

Should we buy into this pledge?

By all means, yes we should. And why not? This is as ridiculous as every other Palestinian proposal sold as a “willingness to promote peace”. Let Israel take its’ usual wait-and-see approach i.e. wait and see how long it takes for the Palestinians to abrogate their commitments.

Previous guarantees to include maps of Israeli cities with their corresponding Hebrew names in school textbooks or removing Palestinian children’s programming that glorify martyrdom come to mind. These promises were dedicated with as much sincerity as this current, vacuous proposal.

If you like Funny And Jewish tell your friends. If you don’t, keep it to yourself. It will just be between us. And we mean that literally.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website.

Pope Francis has admitted that a “Jewish lobby” exists within the Vatican’s administration and is planning to take action about it.

The Pontiff made the claim during an audience at the Vatican with a lobby group of American waiters from Long John Silvers who are petitioning the Vatican to allow fish to be eaten on Fridays.

“Yes, it is difficult,” he reportedly said. “In the restaurant business there are holy people, truly holy people who just want to eat fish. Maybe every day. But, and this is also true, there is a current of corruption I call the ’Jewish lobby’ and we will have to see what we can do.”

A Vatican spokesman would not deny the Pope’s remarks but refused to comment on the statement which was also posted on the Popes personal blog. “He’s allowed to post anything he wants to after hours on his WordPress blog.

Whereas in the past, reports of a ‘Jewish lobby’ inside the Vatican would have been startling, today, veteran observers are unfazed by Pope Francis remarks.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website

Following a Russian announcement banning all foreign adoptions of same-sex Russian dogs and cats by U.S. couples, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that Russia may “amend existing agreements” to outlaw pet adoption by couples from countries where same-sex pet ownership is legal.

In other words, a couple from France, where same-sex pet ownership has just been freshly legalized, would not be allowed to adopt a Russian puppy because the chance that it would grow up with a sister or brother would be “devastating to that mutt,” politician Marina Orgeyeva said. Responding to Orgeyeva’s statement, Putin merely said, “Yah; I guess she’s right.”

“We respect our partners but also ask that they respect our culture’s ethical traditions, our legal and moral standards. I believe we have the right to make amendments”, Putin explained during a meeting with his legislators.

Earlier in the week, Putin paid a visit to the popular Russian TV game show “What’s My Name?” and discussed the same topic with the contestants. The program ran for a record 14 hours and 58 minutes.

Putin’s argument is that it is impossible to apply European attitudes regarding how Russia sees same-sex pet ownership. “Europe has its own standards, the USA has theirs, but ours is different,” he said.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

Funny Jewish Italian News Flash

Hundreds of Virgin Mary statues have been found vandalized across Italy, left intact except that all of their hands have been cut off. Police were able to return the figures to their rightful owners and are advising caution, as the fugitive in question is extremely armed and dangerous.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

Fact: Zero out of 100 (0/100) Israeli workers ever get depressed. However, that 101^st guy…He’s never getting out of bed again!

Got a case of the office blues? If you do you’re alone, providing you work in Israel. That’s because a recent Israeli survey found 0% of Israeli employees ever suffer from depression.

What’s more, the survey found that 0% of Israeli workers say that they’ve ever experienced any form of depression in their life.

These results are truly amazing!

Israel now appears to be the happiest place on earth (with apologies to Florida’s Disney World).

The findings could be even more far-reaching in scope than originally thought. For example, a Canadian mental health study commissioned by the Government of Canada found that 30% of all disability claims stem from mental health related issues.

Except for that 101^st over-stressed doozy, it appears that you won’t find a single falafel eating, Jewish yarmulke wearing, Hebrew speaking, card-carrying Israeli sad-sack in the entire country.

And no wonder; Israeli employers take the issue of mental health as seriously as others here keep the Jewish laws of Sabbath and treat national defense.

Funny? Yes. Jewish? Of course.

And according to these findings, 100% of Israeli managers believe that it is their job to intervene if they notice as much as a frown or a grimace on their employee’s face – It is almost as if the Land of Israel itself refuses to allow depression to take hold (except for that aforementioned 101^st guy).

All joking aside, this Jewish funny made us laugh.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website.

Jewish Humour –

Checkups Are No Guarantee for Health…Especially If You’re A Terrorist.

New Jewish medical evidence dares to once again fly in the face of conventional wisdom.

A recent massive review of medical data from terror-sponsoring nations confirms that receiving regular medical checkups do not, repeat: do not reduce the chances of dying from serious diseases like self-explosives if they detonate too early.

It has long been accepted that regular, yearly scheduled physicals allow doctors to discover and treat real medical problems early, thereby heading off all kinds of serious illness or even death by stupid acts.

Well, not so with intentions of mass murder or suicide.

Making their case, the venerated group The WHO (not the surviving members from the classic ‘60s rock band, but the World Health Organization) sided with the NGO member “Countries Without Borders” to fervently oppose such measures and took control of the politically incorrect news conference suggesting that “fewer medical checkups should be offered to terrorists or encouraged by their doctors because of what are now being termed as the “over diagnosis of the boom booms”.

Oh Oh, there goes FunnyAndJewish again saying border-line contentious words like “boom booms”.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website (even though we say words like “boom booms”).