Dear Parents,

I must inform you that although the school year is fresh, your boy is already failing miserably.

Here are a few points to consider.

Frankly, it would make things a lot easier for everyone here – i.e. our teachers, students and the ‘Royal Baker’ who decorates your son’s birthday cake, if we could abbreviate your son’s name from:

Haman the son of Hammedatha the Agagite, son of Srach, son of Buza, son of Iphlotas, son of Dyosef, son of Dyosim, son of Prome, son of Ma’dei, son of Bla’akan, son of Intimrom, son of Harirom, son of Sh’gar, son of Nigar, son of Farmashta, son of Vayezatha, son of Agag, son of Sumki, son of Amalek, son of the concubine of Eliphaz, the firstborn son of Esau…

to ANYTHING ELSE.

Morning attendance takes forever. By the time we finish reading his name, the class is over.

Might I suggest a nickname – How about Nick?

More to the point; your son is a mess. I blame the ADD for his obsession with woodwork. His attention to detail is excessive. I just can’t get him to put down the wood.

And just what is going on over at your house anyway? What are you… a family of woodpeckers? What are you guys building over at your place? God forbid the kid sees a termite and goes insane.

Shifting gears, I’d like to focus on character development for a moment. Would you not agree that a person’s character is best reflected by the company he keeps? Your boy only talks to people who bow down to him. What does that say?

Although I’m pleased with the exceptional pride he derives from carpentry, I’m not happy with his overall attitude. Specifically, his predilection to play hangman and the lotteries to the exclusion of everything else.

And while we’re on the subject, I find his obsession with astrology and his fondness for gallows humor a little more than slightly disturbing.

Together we can work on improving his language skills. He is still struggling with the ability to distinguish between such seemingly straightforward phrases as ‘that’s acceptable’ and ‘no means no’.

I worry that given enough rope, he just might hang himself. Because like the song says: “when Haman loves a woman…”

P.S. Please stop sending 3-cornered pastries for lunch. Your son refuses to share.

Funny And Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour website

In the absence of a qualified rabbi, please feel free to take notes.

– Part II –

PRAY IN THE LANGUAGE OF YOUR CHOICE…Mine is charades.

Many Bal-chuvas (Jewish returnees & newly observant) are frustrated by their lack of Hebrew. They see it as a major impediment to their growth in prayer and learning. The only skills that we developed seemed to be how to skip out of Sunday school without getting caught. The fact that we never progressed after our Bar/Bat Mitzvahs proves this point perfectly.

Hebrew as a barrier is very easy to overcome because today’s prayer books are translated, transliterated and even annotated in almost every language. N.C.S.Y. is even publishing a Hebrew-Esperanto prayer book!

At any rate, learning is easy with today’s reference aids. A modern Jewish Dictionary will be published this Chanukah. In it, readers will notice the inclusion of Rashi commentary as well as an increased thickness of 300%.

Continuing Adult Education

Today’s learning opportunities are virtually limitless providing that you know how to choose wisely. Here are 2 real examples taken from a local adult continuing studies course brochure. While these classes may sound Jewish, they are so in theme only and after closer inspection, should be avoided at all costs:

(1) Loneliness: You and Your Golem

“Are you looking for an extra learning partner? Maybe you’re tired of dating services that guarantee everything but only deliver disappointment?”

Folks let’s face it; you can never have enough friends. This workshop promised to teach everything necessary to bring your Golem to life. I’d never be lonely again. And with no previous conjuring experience required, it was almost impossible to resist!

(2) Confrontational Hebrew for Beginners

“Hold a conversation in God’s holy tongue while managing to alienate everyone else in the room…even if that room is Madison Square Gardens.”

This one was a real beauty, taught by an Orthodox union leader whose prolonged personal fasts have been misconstrued for hunger strikes. Students were guaranteed that they would have the necessary skills to be able to argue with 3 Israeli flight attendants simultaneously! F.Y.I. this class was recommended for anyone visiting friends who just made Aliyah.

Be vigilant my friends.

– End of Part II –

Funny And Jewish is a Satirical Humour Website