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July 21, 2024

Jewish Matchmaking 101

Funny Jewish Matchmaking

Let’s start with the basics.

Men are from MasterCard, Women are from Visa

Dating is very complicated. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

Simply knowing that everyone feels awkward when meeting someone for the first time is half the battle. The other half is tricking them into liking you.

This article was written for those with difficulty making new acquaintances or need a little extra help creating opportunities for romantic attachments.

However; you might be saying to yourself:  “Sure I don’t want to be alone. I also want to spend the rest of my life with someone… just not necessarily with the same person.” Don’t worry. This article is for you too. From your standpoint, consider this a first-step approach to meeting all those special someones.

I remember the chronic gas, nausea and diarrhea, and that was just while preparing for my dates! I felt more like I should have been betrothed to Swamp Thing rather than being set up to meet real human beings.

The problem begins in many religious schools because teachers are derelict in addressing real questions that students have about dating. If in fact there are open and honest discussions of matters pertaining to love, they usually devolve into legal arguments with opposing sides clinging to different authorities. Mr. Spock or Sergeant Joe Friday would have a field day giving these classes.

Men are from MasterCard, Women are from Visa, and Amex and Sears

We need to build a bridge between the 2 sexes. You could say that men are from MasterCard and women are from Visa, and Amex and Sears. They are so completely different. One wears a hat and…oh yes, they both wear hats. But it is the woman who knows how to accessorize her black hats with something other than a tallis bag. That’s where professional Jewish matchmakers enter the picture.

Regarding gender differences, the Orthodox Jewish dating scene is like hockey in the US south: they don’t know the rules because they don’t know about the game. Matchmakers are needed to introduce the players to each other..

The bottom line is that today’s trend is seeing an acceleration to marry rather than delaying, say for the sake of one’s career. As more students want to get married at younger ages, they need help finding their mates that much more quickly. The rush seems to be a modern desire to match their weddings immediately after obtaining their drivers license.

At any rate, first-time daters should expect to be judged against a floating “are they suitable for marriage?” scale. In practical terms, this means being more self-critical than they would normally be either on Yom Kippur or at their psychiatrist’s office.

Approach a blind date like a job interview. This means hard work and preparation. Part of that involves deciding what topics you are comfortable discussing to boost the conversation. The last thing you want on a date is dead, awkward silence. That is reserved for after marriage.


Common complaints heard from women after first dates are that the men only spoke about themselves. Obviously that’s a huge mistake. Men should always talk about her. The more a man shows interest in his date, the more he finds out. Like if she has any sisters or whether any of her girlfriends are still single. The more wonderful he makes her feel, the more likely he is to get a second date to answer those questions.

Now, suppose the man can’t think of anything other than basketball to discuss; I always suggest they talk about their mother. Hopefully she likes basketball. If they still can’t think of anything kind to say about their mothers, they are going to be alone for the rest of their lives. This topic is as neutral as Switzerland and as easy to conquer, providing they are still on speaking terms with their mothers.

Providing that the conversation goes smoothly, daters are presented with the most vexing issue: who pays for the date? Believe me, in the long run everyone does (although that sounds far more ominous than it really was meant to be).

Not so long ago it used to be that everyone knew his or her station in life. The question of who picked up the tab was decided by a person’s status. A Cohen would always be expected to pay (tip included) for a Levy or an Israelite. But times have changed and while everyone is equal on today’s level dating-field, nothing can ever beat an evening on your date’s parent’s dime.


Finally, the importance of a venue cannot be over-stated. A romantic glass of wine can calm the jitters, but so can an evening of off-track betting. Both can be delightful and memorable, but it is important to know your company first. For these reasons and many more, many are increasingly turning to qualified kosher matchmakers for permanent affairs of the heart.

Funny And Jewish is a Satirical Humour Website

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7 Responses “Jewish Matchmaking 101”

  1. Larry King
    September 20, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Great dating advice. Where where you when I needed you?

  2. Zsa Zsa Gabor
    September 20, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. etc.

  3. Gorillas in My Midst
    October 2, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    I appreciate the sensitivity you extend to humans in this article on Jewish Matchmaking, but why not throw some consideration over toward our primate cousins? That’s right. You heard me Funny Jewish Matchmaker. Why not also help our tree-swinging simian bros? They’re even more awkward than we are in matters of love. Ever see an ape go courting? It isn’t pretty.

    Look, I may not be the most sophisticated guy around, but if a baboon wants to increase his chances of finding a mate, he should start by refraining from rubbing his sorry red behind in his mate’s direction. While that may work in other situations (like when trying to score in a crack house), it won’t help my friends in the forest kingdom find love…Just thought you would like to know.

  4. April 23, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Very interesting thoughts, and of course I really learned something about the Jewish side of dating. I think that’s a shame that most guys are too busy talking about themselves. You can really win anyone over by talking about them. People fall in love with someone who can show that he/she really likes the person for who they are.

  5. November 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I learned something new. Maybe that is why girls run away from me :(. Thanks for all the advice. Live and learn I guess. Very Funny!

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