A Funny and Jewish Humour Classic
For many Jews returning to Judaism, the road after this return will be a long and winding one.
Questions that you never considered pop up more often and with increasing complexities. Examples of these types of ‘ask-your-rabbi’ inquiries include “where can I eat?”, “what should I read?” and even “what T.V. shows should I watch?” (short answer, none).
To help our lost readers (and we use the term “lost” not in a religious sense, but more to explain how our traffic finds funnyandjewish.com…i.e. by accident), we present another Funny and Jewish Humour Classic: How To Live Like an Orthodox Jew, a Practical Guide for Your Everyday Working Joe-seph.
Here you will find various discussions designed to help you overcome many of the same struggles faced by Jewish “Returnees”.
“A righteous man falls 7 times and rises.
An evil man falls but once.”
(Proverbs 24:16)
Question – What happens when that righteous man falls 5 or even 6 more times? Worse still; what if he’s a perpetual klutz like myself?
Look, We all make mistakes. I’ll be the first to forgive myself: Mea culpa!
The important thing to remember is not to allow your slips and falls to keep you down.
Who is this primer for?
Jews who have tasted the ‘forbidden fruit’, yet have abandoned their old (some might argue evil and wicked) ways to draw closer to God.
Don’t let discouragement get the best of you. Remember, you’re not expected to do everything at once. That is called marriage.
Defining Terms
Someone not raised Jewish Orthodox but who becomes observant is called a ‘Bal-Chuva’ or ba’al-teshuvah.
The proper name for someone who converts to Judaism is ‘N-u-t-s’ (there will be further discussions about “Welcoming Strangers” in future articles).
The word ‘Bal-Chuva’ is beautiful onomatopoeic.
Whenever someone says “Bal-Chuva”, I reflexively answer “bless you”. To me “Bal-Chuva” sounds like a sneeze. ‘Bal-Chuva!’. Go ahead and say it to yourself. Quietly or out loud. It’s best if there’s someone else in the room to play off of. If not, fine. I don’t care. Go ahead. Try it: “Bal-Chuva”, “Bless You.” I’ll wait.
Jewish Fine Dining Is An Oxymoron
Eating kosher is a lot like being pregnant – either you are or aren’t. Similarly, the issue of whether a restaurant is kosher is also both simple and straightforward. Either it is or it isn’t.
Look for a sign.
Not from heaven. But one saying ‘Kosher’.
Don’t be misled by restaurants advertising ‘Kosher Style’.
Have you ever seen a bistro offering Vegetarian-Style, Vegan-Style or even Halel-Style food for that matter?
No. I didn’t think so. And you won’t…unless of course, they’re run by Jews.
Jews also never “see” any religious apparitions when eating out. There is no Rabbi worth his weight in mitzvahs who ever witnessed anything Biblical while eating out, with the exception of the 40 years it took for his order to arrive.
Never will you hear anything like: “I was in my favorite kosher deli when I saw the image of Moses in my corned beef sandwich parting the gravy ($1.50 extra).
It just never happens.
– End of Part 1 –
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Senior medical marijuana users in Canada have a name for it: It’s called Gunja Poverty.
It’s what happens when the amount of money it costs to pay for home heating and electricity leaves you without enough money to pay for your weed and other necessities like bongs, rolling papers or medical cannabinoid-based edibles.
Sadly, this is what is currently happening to the elderly on pensions everywhere in assisted-living communities and nursing homes across Canada.
The average senior who is prescribed medical marijuana by their doctors and through the blessings of new Canadian government regulations courtesy of Health Canada, is finding it difficult to pay for their cannabis giggle smoke because of rising energy costs.
As senior’s hydro bills keep spiraling out of control, they find themselves no longer able to maintain their home hydroponic marijuana operations.
Newly installed hydro Smart Meters are to blame.
“Until the Smart Meter was installed, the grow-op here at the Jewish Senior’s complex could produce huge amounts of dynamite weed for as little as a $2.05/gram”, said a volunteer who asked not to be identified.
As of this writing, all the equipment must be shuttered, forcing the elderly to pay street prices in excess 0f $10/gram for their bud.
“You work all your life and save and save, and then you find that even after last year’s bumper crop of skunky Mary Jane, you find that you can’t afford to pay for your medicinal marijuana, pot cookies and funny brownies or even some crumbs of space cake.”
A spokesman for the local hydro says that this is a common complaint, especially in this record cold winter. “We have seen a 300% increase in calls regarding high bills for their grow-ops compared to this time last year. Strangely enough, the elderly seem to be the most vocal about it”.
That they now have to leave their old-age nursing homes to purchase their marijuana is one more unnecessary burden that we are uploading onto the elderly. This is a national disgrace!
Take a “green” movement that promotes expensive energy initiatives, add to that gouging taxes, and top it all off with staggering delivery charges and the result is a toxic brew for expensive pot that seniors can no longer afford.
It’s a combination that leaves our seniors in the dark, wondering just how they are going to pay for their next once. Another unwelcomed source of anxiety for our most vulnerable pot smokers.
Next Week: Converting former grow-op spaces into something else recreational for seniors.
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Israeli riot police girded with metal barriers and human chains held back thousands of Orthodox Jewish protestors who tried to prevent a liberal Jewish woman’s group from removing a book from a local library in Jerusalem.
This is the first time police have supported the women, and not the protestors.
A recent Israeli Supreme court order supports a Jewish woman’s right to borrow books from a Jewish library using practices that Orthodox Jewery maintains is solely the domain of men (minimum 10 actually).
The “Women of the Library” have been holding monthly meetings on the first day of the Hebrew month, preparing for the day when they too might ultimately and legally be able to withdraw a book.
Like their male counterparts, these women also parade around town with their own set of library cards. Ultra, Ultra, Ultra Orthodox leaders have accused them of violating “local customs” and many of the groups members have been arrested (although it should be mentioned that these arrests are on separate charges and have nothing to do with women trying to be literate like men).
The tables have been turned. Police protected the Jewish women and arrested everyone else for disorderly conduct.
“It’s a historic moment” group antagonist Sheila Grossman squealed as Israeli media reported that some rabbis called on their followers to flood all local libraries to take out all books except those dealing with gender equality and crock pot cookery.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website
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Pope Francis has admitted that a “Jewish lobby” exists within the Vatican’s administration and is planning to take action about it.
The Pontiff made the claim during an audience at the Vatican with a lobby group of American waiters from Long John Silvers who are petitioning the Vatican to allow fish to be eaten on Fridays.
“Yes, it is difficult,” he reportedly said. “In the restaurant business there are holy people, truly holy people who just want to eat fish. Maybe every day. But, and this is also true, there is a current of corruption I call the ’Jewish lobby’ and we will have to see what we can do.”
A Vatican spokesman would not deny the Pope’s remarks but refused to comment on the statement which was also posted on the Popes personal blog. “He’s allowed to post anything he wants to after hours on his WordPress blog.
Whereas in the past, reports of a ‘Jewish lobby’ inside the Vatican would have been startling, today, veteran observers are unfazed by Pope Francis remarks.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website
]]>Being an observant Jew is difficult wherever you live. Even up in ‘The Great White North’ it’s not all milk and maple syrup.
F.Y.I., Canada’s political landscape is such that a small number of organizations exert a disproportionate amount of influence over national policy. Problems begin when their platforms (i.e. those of the small interest groups) are at cross-purposes with Jewish ideals.
Today’s egregious example – a seemingly “friendly” lobby group like PETA, while protesting the Jewish ritual slaughtering of chickens just before Yom Kippur, turn a blind eye when it comes to Dwarf Tossing.
Where is PETA’s outcry?
The fact that Jews dominate this Canadian sport doesn’t make it any more right and really gives us nothing as a People to be proud of.
It’s still wrong and I’ve cancelled our season’s tickets.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website
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A goldfish that killed a salesman in front of horrified onlookers will stay in its aquarium, or so says Pet World’s president amid a raging debate on keeping such animals in captivity.
Goldie, the 1.5-inch goldfish in question is already linked to 3 separate attacks – The goldfish was so aggressive that rescuers could not immediately jump in to lend assistance. Instead, alert attendants gently moved the small but deadly carp into a smaller tank immediately adjacent to it where the dead body was removed from its jaws.
Witnesses said there were no early warning signs to suggest that something might be wrong or that anyone could have anticipated that Goldie would snap. Only moments before a 7-year-old boy chose her, she was seen swimming happily amongst the thousands of other goldfish.
As per Pet World’s Emergency Measures policy, alarm bells immediately sounded while all staff scattered throughout the store frantically waving their nets urging shoppers to run for their lives.
In a grim twist, the smaller tank is apparently the same spot where the body of a man was found 1 year ago to the day. He was reported missing after not returning from feeding the snakes.
Before today’s deadly attack, junior staff members were cautioned to only permit senior management to select the goldfish.
Animal rights groups are now pressing for the release of Goldie into a controlled area, while other activists are calling for her to be put down.
A former dog trainer with the store said that keeping goldfish in captivity makes them violent. “They are going to keep Goldie until she kills someone else. She is a monster who is a product of captivity. If Goldie was a bear or a fire-breathing dragon, she would have been put down long ago.”
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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The Royal Dutch Medical Association advocated a ban on elective baptisms for young Catholic boys and girls, saying they were medically unnecessary and violated children’s rights.
The venerated 300+ year old organization representing over 45,000 doctors officially called the procedure a “violation of the body.” The group proposes a dialogue between doctors and religious organizations on the issue.
Most non-therapeutic baptisms in the Netherlands are performed on the basis of “religious grounds”. In Amsterdam, Catholic parents seeking baptisms for elective reasons are often referred to a small religious clinic in a heavily Muslim neighbourhood.
“We believe that we have very strong reasons for a legal ban on non-therapeutic baptisms, but also fear that by not dealing with it properly, it might lead the whole thing going underground”.
According to a 2012 World Health Report, with 33% of the world’s population, 1.1 billion Catholic boys and girls are being unnecessarily baptized.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.
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Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has indicated that he will observe a UN brokered total eclipse of the sun, an Arab League spokesman said today.
“We have every indication to believe that they (the Syrian government) will adhere to a cessation of all hostilities while the moon passes itself between the earth and the sun. After that, all bets are off.”
Since a UN envoy reported this story, it has been treated as nothing less than a tremendous victory throughout the bulging corridors of the United Nations.
At a closed door hot tub think-tank session, ambassadors to the 15-nation member Security Council were confident that hot towels and a brief truce were both close at hand.
Some savvy political analysts, however, see the Syrian move as a thinly disguised ruse. They contend that the Syrian government only accepted this proposal, the first ever UN-brokered solar eclipse as a mere stalling tactic i.e. simply a means to arm, rearm and advance under the supernatural cloak and cover of an eclipse-induced darkness.
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard” the author of this piece was quoted as thinking just before he wrote it.
“On the other hand, who cares?” he thought and with that, the Syrian ceasefire looked to take hold.
The UN issued a statement supporting the eclipse, which is scheduled to begin Friday morning and extend well into the mid-day. A UN ceasefire record.
There was no elaboration on how such a truce would be enforced. However, it is understood that UN monitors have been ready for weeks to be deployed on Syrian ground to dispense protective eye-wear to both Syrians soldiers and the rebel fighters who, under UN auspices, must observe the eclipse safely.
The previous UN envoy, Kofi Annan, once tried to negotiate a more over-ambitious celestial armistice involving the complete realignment of our planets. Both sides immediately accused the other of violating the agreement.
Now, when put into that context, this current UN proposal has some merit.
Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website.
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Dear Parents,
At 9 feet and 3/4 inches, Goliath is by far the tallest preschooler we’ve ever had. Continuing where last-year’s report card left off, it was an absolute pleasure teaching your son the exact same things once again for a record-breaking 13th year!
As I am retiring, I thought it best to leave you these thoughts that more or less echo everything that I have been saying for13 years. If he was Jewish I’d wish him mazel tov on his bar mitzvah. But he’s not; so I won’t. So let’s now get on with it.
Where to begin? Your son has major delusions of adequacy. Whereas most children work to raise their learning bar, Goliath sets his standards so low and fails to achieve them. He is one of the most crude, vulgar and ill-mannered Philistines I have ever seen and believe me, that says a lot. His indifference to authority is alarming.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I can’t find any areas that need improvement. I also cannot understand why you insist on keeping him in school where his natural gifts are stifled.
You expressed concern earlier this year about Goliath’s “aggressive social skills”. These I can assure you are equally unwarranted. Our guidance counselor tells me that your son is merely searching for new ways to express his hostility. All he needs is a creative outlet. He suggested 2 career paths: Sports and the Army.
Regarding sports, your son can be a superstar. The boy is a natural. During recess Goliath loves to play ‘King of the Hill’. Let’s face it; he is the hill. No one can beat him. He’s the Inner-City Champion! With his size and all-or-nothing personality do you think he wants to be a lawyer? We don’t even have laws in this country. We’re Philistines for crying out loud! Conflict resolution is the least of our concerns.
Which brings me to recommendation #2, The Army. He’s his own platoon. His love for taunting children with “sticks and stones may break my bones” is music to a recruiter’s ears. Because his promotion through the ranks is a ‘gimmie’ (would you say no?), I am in agreement in recommending a career as a Philistine warrior. Goliath’s arrogance will make us all very proud.
Have a good life.
Funny And Jewish is a Satirical Humour Website
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1. God hears all prayers and reads every Tweet…Providing there is a quorum of 10 men sending them.
2. The Sabbath represents a tremendous opportunity for weight gain. Jewish Orthodox bulimics, anorexics and Jenny Craigers exert extreme discipline and self-control when feeding on this holy day.
3. If the bubby had betzim, she wouldn’t need Zaidy.
4. If you ever find Socialism knocking at your front door, treat it like the Jehovah’s Witnesses…don’t answer it.
5. Maybe NY State should mandate sex education for its politicians.
6. Funny And Jewish News Brief: The Luxury Ocean Liner Queen Mary 2 is to be converted to 5-Star Flotilla.
7. Impossibilities are merely things which we have not yet learned that we are unable to do.
8. Funny And Jewish Fashion Ttip: The color of one’s underwear is only important if you’re accessorizing.
9. Contemplating whether or not blondes “get” blonde jokes or just get frustrated.
10. Carrying out 1 random act of kindness a day with no expectation of reward sounds great on paper. But what’s in it for me?
11. FunnyAndJewish.com introduces Speed Dating for Seniors. Meet up to 2 dates in 4 hours (incl snack breaks, 3 naps & 7 washroom interruptions).
12. Speed Chat Dates are like talking to someone who won’t shut up.
13. Speaking of couples, every time I see a couple of bulimics I want to vomit!
14. Mazel Tov to FunnyAndJewish.com for being selected Best Answer on Yahoo! Answers. Read the question by Man Infested with Demons at Yahoo! Answers.VERY FUNNY.
15. Can you believe that we’re as successful as we are and we’re still on dial-up? Funny because it’s true!
16. You say that she’s 20 and he’s 14? That’s not dating, that’s babysitting.
17. Men are from MasterCard, Women are from Visa, Amex and Sears. Jewish Matchmaking 101. Funny Jewish Dating Advice.
18. Jews have never locked pictures up in attics. Instead, we make a gazillion copies for all of our mothers, friends and relatives.
19. A witch and a shaman walk into a German coffee shop and… they start another World War. Get it? The joke takes place in Germany…Germany!
20. I wish my sleep apnea would go away so I could sleep through all the rioting, looting, and oh what the heck… I’m out of here!
21. Some serious Kosher Laughs here.
22. Obama’s policies clearly demonstrate that he is already stoned and your suggestion that he should be comes too late.
23. There are 12 Tribes, not 13 because God does not like unlucky numbers.
24. Do you think the Messiah has an Obama complex?
25. If any Jewish mothers join the conversation, no one will ever be able to get a Tweet in edge-wise.