They still make apps for PlayBook?

New BlackBerry PlayBook OS 2.0

Funny And Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour website.

This time of year many Jews are left wondering, “Should I be sending my rabbi some sort of holiday greeting? And if so, is it appropriate to flash off a quick, time-saving Chanukah e-message, or is a traditional paper card still the way to go?”

The International Coalition of Jewish Councils agree that it is definitely a good idea to send your rabbi holiday greetings.

Further studies have shown those same rabbinical recipients were more likely to be lenient with their congregants and less likely to hit them up for donations simply because they each received a friendly Chanukah card.

Leaving a little something in your rabbi’s mailbox is a good idea if not for the simple reason that it is a powerful, yet very subtle way of networking a guest seat at your rabbi’s table for Shabbos. Oh yes, he will remember you!

However, when it comes to e-mailing your rabbi, experts suggest holding back for a variety of reasons. Many senior rabbis have an “old school” mentality. An e-mail may be interpreted by these Juden as being too cavalier, …like this website.

In addition, e-cards lack the personal touch of a handwritten note. Think of a doctor’s prescription. And while we’re on it, Tweeting your rabbi or Liking him on Facebook is also a no-no.

Remember, as with all great intentions, this gesture can backfire on you unless you follow the proper protocols. Cards remain a great alternative in lieu of real, actual gifts that will end up costing you a lot more money. Here are a few more guidelines to consider:

1. Do not buy a Christmas card and scratch out the word Christmas and write the word Chanukah over it.
2. Pictures of Christmas trees can never be substituted for a Chanukah bush.
3. Never go with cheaply made cards that can bleed all over a holy rabbi’s hands. Remember, those hands will be blessing your congregation!
4. Not everyone celebrates the festival of Chanukah the same way. The wrong applesauce or type of sour cream on your guest’s latkes may, heaven forbid, send them into an emotional tailspin lasting more than 8 days. Customs and mileage may vary; consult with your local orthodox rabbinic authority.
5. Always check your spelling if writing an inscription or just practicing your calligraphy. Any good points that you might score with your rabbi will be lost if he opens a card wishing him a “Happy Chaka Khan”.

Funny Jewish Humour (Jewish humor)

Dear Funny Jewish Answer Lady:

I am going to be married for the first time and my Jewish mother and I disagree on the time I need to be home. The general reception and wedding ceremony should be over by 7 pm, with dinner and dancing probably going until midnight, but she wants me to be home by midnight.

I’m not quite sure why she is being so insistent about this restriction.

I have attempted to speak with her on several occasions about this but to no avail. Even when I pointed out that the number of rabbis who will be in attendance will almost outnumber our guests, it wasn’t enough to change her mind.

Nothing bothers me more than not knowing her reason.

What advice can you suggest to convince her that I should be allowed to stay until the wedding is over? As far as I know, that means until the last guest leaves; and I’m pretty sure that everyone sitting at the head-table is staying until the end.

–Jewish and Confused–

Dear Jewish and Confused,

I’m taking your side on this, barely. I agree with you that you should be able to stay until the conclusion of your own wedding. I’m assuming that your mother will be waiting up for you when you get home so that the extra half-hour or 45 minutes that you stay out thanking your guests for coming should be fine.

However, I also believe that your mother is being careful and prudent in her unrelenting stipulations.

If she refuses to bend on this occasion, use it to prove to her how well you handled the situation, and by extension married life. She may then come to change her mind and opinions about you by the time you have your first child.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website.

Study finds that 1 % of Jews are Mildly Depressed.

The other 99% are complete basket cases.

And with that…, thank you and goodnight. If you drink, drive safely. Next time try the veal.It’s prepared kosher for your table.

Joking aside, this little Jewish funny really made us laugh.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website.

Jewish Humour –

Checkups Are No Guarantee for Health…Especially If You’re A Terrorist.

New Jewish medical evidence dares to once again fly in the face of conventional wisdom.

A recent massive review of medical data from terror-sponsoring nations confirms that receiving regular medical checkups do not, repeat: do not reduce the chances of dying from serious diseases like self-explosives if they detonate too early.

It has long been accepted that regular, yearly scheduled physicals allow doctors to discover and treat real medical problems early, thereby heading off all kinds of serious illness or even death by stupid acts.

Well, not so with intentions of mass murder or suicide.

Making their case, the venerated group The WHO (not the surviving members from the classic ‘60s rock band, but the World Health Organization) sided with the NGO member “Countries Without Borders” to fervently oppose such measures and took control of the politically incorrect news conference suggesting that “fewer medical checkups should be offered to terrorists or encouraged by their doctors because of what are now being termed as the “over diagnosis of the boom booms”.

Oh Oh, there goes FunnyAndJewish again saying border-line contentious words like “boom booms”.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) website (even though we say words like “boom booms”).

Dear Funny Jewish Humour Lady:

I am an only Jewish child and recently married a Jewish woman. My Jewish wife has a Jewish sister who has three Jewish children. One is in Jewish nursery, the other is in a Jewish high school and the third is marrying a shiksa.

The little Mrs. And I agree that the gentile tradition of excessive gift giving over Christmas has become overblown and although we consider ourselves to be both quite well off (if you use The Kennedy’s as your standard of measure), we don’t want to imitate them or have their practices affect our Hanukkah festivities.

We are letting it known that in lieu of gifts, we will be exchanging recipes, donating blood and signing organ donor cards (later reconsidering and changing our decision because of buyer’s remorse…seller’s remorse in this case).

My sister-in-law vehemently disagrees with our position. She complains that we’re ruining it for everyone; specifically to the children to whom my Jewish wife has given gifts to each year.

My Jewish wife says that we should make an exception for these children. However, we also both agreed that when we decide to have children of our own, gift giving would not be a key part of our Hanukkah holiday celebrations.

My sister-in-law acknowledges that if we had our own kids, it would be OK not to give them gifts.

Any advice on how to respond to my sister-in-law or persuade my Jewish wife to hold firm on our Hanukkah convictions without appearing to be a Jewish Scrooge?

-NOT A JEWISH SCROOGE-

Dear NOT,

What do you mean “when you decide to have children”? What’s to decide? Yes have them,… end of discussion.

P.S. Why does everyone think I’m a lady?

Funny And Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) web site.

Rush up to the store’s manager and say in your best official voice, “Code 2 in Kids Shoes. Get on it STAT!”

Go to Customer Service and put a chocolate bar on layaway.

Move ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ signs to carpeted areas.

When you hear announcements coming over the PA (the loud speaker, not the Palestinian Authority), assume a fetal position and scream ‘Oh No. Not Those Voices Again!’

If asked for assistance by a salesman, begin crying “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

Look straight into a security camera and pretend to use it as a mirror while picking at your face.

Run around the store suspiciously humming the Mission Impossible theme.

Leave little trails of tomato juice leading to the women’s washroom.

When in the car department, practice your Madonna impression by using different sizes of funnels.

After spending time comparing guns in the hunting department, ask the sales staff where to also find anti-depressants.

Pitch a tent in the camping department and invite shoppers in to play.

Hide behind a clothing rack and when someone browses for the jackets yell: “Oh Please, Pick Me! Pick Me!”

Set all the alarm clocks in the Housewares department to go off at 2-minute intervals.

Go inside a change room, close the door and call out: “Hey!… If anyone can hear me, there’s no toilet paper in here.”

Funny And Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish Humor) web site.

Let’s start with the basics.

Men are from MasterCard, Women are from Visa

Dating is very complicated. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

Simply knowing that everyone feels awkward when meeting someone for the first time is half the battle. The other half is tricking them into liking you.

This article was written for those with difficulty making new acquaintances or need a little extra help creating opportunities for romantic attachments.

However; you might be saying to yourself:  “Sure I don’t want to be alone. I also want to spend the rest of my life with someone… just not necessarily with the same person.” Don’t worry. This article is for you too. From your standpoint, consider this a first-step approach to meeting all those special someones.

I remember the chronic gas, nausea and diarrhea, and that was just while preparing for my dates! I felt more like I should have been betrothed to Swamp Thing rather than being set up to meet real human beings.

The problem begins in many religious schools because teachers are derelict in addressing real questions that students have about dating. If in fact there are open and honest discussions of matters pertaining to love, they usually devolve into legal arguments with opposing sides clinging to different authorities. Mr. Spock or Sergeant Joe Friday would have a field day giving these classes.

Men are from MasterCard, Women are from Visa, and Amex and Sears

We need to build a bridge between the 2 sexes. You could say that men are from MasterCard and women are from Visa, and Amex and Sears. They are so completely different. One wears a hat and…oh yes, they both wear hats. But it is the woman who knows how to accessorize her black hats with something other than a tallis bag. That’s where professional Jewish matchmakers enter the picture.

Regarding gender differences, the Orthodox Jewish dating scene is like hockey in the US south: they don’t know the rules because they don’t know about the game. Matchmakers are needed to introduce the players to each other..

The bottom line is that today’s trend is seeing an acceleration to marry rather than delaying, say for the sake of one’s career. As more students want to get married at younger ages, they need help finding their mates that much more quickly. The rush seems to be a modern desire to match their weddings immediately after obtaining their drivers license.

At any rate, first-time daters should expect to be judged against a floating “are they suitable for marriage?” scale. In practical terms, this means being more self-critical than they would normally be either on Yom Kippur or at their psychiatrist’s office.

Approach a blind date like a job interview. This means hard work and preparation. Part of that involves deciding what topics you are comfortable discussing to boost the conversation. The last thing you want on a date is dead, awkward silence. That is reserved for after marriage.

ME ME ME

Common complaints heard from women after first dates are that the men only spoke about themselves. Obviously that’s a huge mistake. Men should always talk about her. The more a man shows interest in his date, the more he finds out. Like if she has any sisters or whether any of her girlfriends are still single. The more wonderful he makes her feel, the more likely he is to get a second date to answer those questions.

Now, suppose the man can’t think of anything other than basketball to discuss; I always suggest they talk about their mother. Hopefully she likes basketball. If they still can’t think of anything kind to say about their mothers, they are going to be alone for the rest of their lives. This topic is as neutral as Switzerland and as easy to conquer, providing they are still on speaking terms with their mothers.

Providing that the conversation goes smoothly, daters are presented with the most vexing issue: who pays for the date? Believe me, in the long run everyone does (although that sounds far more ominous than it really was meant to be).

Not so long ago it used to be that everyone knew his or her station in life. The question of who picked up the tab was decided by a person’s status. A Cohen would always be expected to pay (tip included) for a Levy or an Israelite. But times have changed and while everyone is equal on today’s level dating-field, nothing can ever beat an evening on your date’s parent’s dime.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Finally, the importance of a venue cannot be over-stated. A romantic glass of wine can calm the jitters, but so can an evening of off-track betting. Both can be delightful and memorable, but it is important to know your company first. For these reasons and many more, many are increasingly turning to qualified kosher matchmakers for permanent affairs of the heart.

Funny And Jewish is a Satirical Humour Website

Dear Mama’s Boy,

Every time my mother comes over to visit, she always over-indulges our children. Even when all 5 of them misbehave, she still rewards them with treats and subsequently takes them all out for the rest of the day.

I have spoken to her several times about this but she just doesn’t seem to get the message.

Please, what should I do?

Going Out of My Mind

Dear Mindless,

Let me get this straight. She takes all 5 of your kids out and YOU find THAT objectionable?

Are you crazy? Clearly you have lost perspective and need guidance and direction.

You neglected to mention how often your mother comes over but I’m guessing it isn’t enough. Some children don’t even know their own bubbies. Be grateful for small blessings and invite her over more.

One more thing: your mother has earned the right to be the “Treat Lady”. To deny her that privilege is tantamount to denying her a headstone (after she lives to be 120 years).

Funny And Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour website.

The truth of the matter is that we like any policy that uses the word “penalization”. Why? Because it just sounds funny. Penalization.

We imagine the following scenario playing itself out daily high aboard Google’s Mother Ship: “Oh Oh… Funny and Jewish is using the word ‘penalize’. They must be making jokes about Penal Colonies again. Just what kind of Jewish filth is that site all about anyway?”

And just like a scene from Lost In Space, you have the Google Bots crawling back to Google blaring their warnings of “DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!”, which leads us to-

Our enormous web presence.

Although FunnyAndJewish thinks the world of Google, let’s be vulgarly honest. Google is vaguely aware that FunnyAndJewish exists. As far as Google is concerned, we’re just a rumor, merely hearsay from Bing, the existence of which cannot be verified with any certainty by Yahoo!

Without sounding conspiratorial (see JeWikiLeaks), we also believe that Google has a secret restraining order against FunnyAndJewish forbidding us from ever approaching a Page Rank of 1 or more. Believe us; competing for both attention and traffic with self-hating Hutterite blogs is quickly growing tedious.

Our pledge: We will continue to provide the most adequate Jewish humour available. Adequacy is our virtue. At least we can finally admit to something with pride.

Funny And Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour website.