Vegans, Jews and Zionism

I had been asked to comment on the following resolution:

“Resolved: Veganism is the new Zionism.”

Could it be true? I started to wonder aloud to myself …ARE THEY SO SIMILAR, THEY’RE THE SAME?

According to an old proverb  “There are no stupid questions”.

REALLY?

As a matter of fact there are; and the answer to this one is “No, veganism is not the new Zionism” and here’s the why –

Zionists and vegans view the world through 2 different lenses.

Vegans see meat, eggs and cheese as things to be avoided in the world. Zionists, on the other hand, see them as tools to use as weapons to oppose anyone else preventing them from fulfilling God’s biblical prophecy of living in Israel.

Vegans are nothing like Zionists because every Zionist has 1 true homeland that is Israel. You could say that a Vegan’s homeland is wherever that vegan finds himself looking at the ground to find a place to plant his breakfast.

Here’s another difference: a Zionist might find himself at war if Israel were to be attacked. A vegan could probably go through his entire life without ever seeing 5 minutes of military action if he lives in virtually any other free country.

Here’s another: Vegans have never been collectively accused of either world domination or of controlling the world’s banks. The fact that there is no “blood libel” against vegans speaks volumes, while also accounting for their high-conversion rate.

More stupid conversations about Zionists and vegans continue to abound in the Twitter universe:

Can a Zionist be a vegan?

(Yes.)

Can a vegan be a Zionist?

(Yes.)

If they’re the same, then why don’t you also capitalize the ”V” in vegan?

(…)

Let’s define our terms so we’re all on the same page in this discussion.

Who is a Zionist?

According to the Jewish Virtual Library, Zionism simply means the national movement for the return of the Jewish people to their homeland and the resumption of Jewish sovereignty in the Land of Israel.

Who is a vegan?

Indeed. Vegans don’t look any more different than you or I, excluding those of us who don’t always look perpetually exhausted or sickly.

A vegan’s diet is plant-based; not eating or using any animal by-products including meat, milk, honey, eggs or wax fruit (just checking if you’re paying attention). Orthodox vegans are also inclined to avoid wearing anything made from silk, wool and leather, as well as any other animal products for clothing or for practical use.

While disagreements have led to divisions within the Zionist movement (splinter groups have emerged, most notably Political Zionism, Socialist Zionism and Religious Zionism), no such nonsense exists in a vegan’s world.

There is very little disagreement among vegans regarding what literally constitutes “eating a living thing”. It’s pretty straightforward. In fact, there seems to be a sense of calm dwelling within practicing vegans, one that remains forever foreign and quite elusive to the Zionist.

Speaking of which, Zionists also seem to be much louder than vegans. Vegans don’t bark at you when you’re out at a deli. They seldom have enough energy… Have you ever heard of a militant vegan? Can they even be weaponized?

The Bible enumerates animals prohibited for consumption (bats, pigs, insects, etc.) only to help identify and classify those animals whose meat is permitted (cows, chickens, certain fish).

Let’s back things up. Nowhere in Judaism is eating meat prohibited (excluding fast days). Indeed, vegetarianism is never endorsed as a morally superior life style. Most Biblical festivals in Israel (Zionists by nature) involved the consumption of meat. Today there are rabbinic opinions that argue a “meal” that does not include meat, does not qualify as a true (i.e. legal) holiday meal!

For Zionists living in Israel, it’s very difficult to be a vegan. For vegans, it is not very difficult to live outside of Israel.

In Biblical days, Jews were religiously obligated to eat meat, specifically roasted meat on Passover. They could not abstain from fear of rising cholesterol.

Speaking of Zionists, has the United Nations ever passed a resolution in the General Assembly equating veganism with racism? F.Y.I., it was a charitable N.G.O. that likened veganism with vegetarianism. That resolution was also subsequently abolished courtesy of a very small, but powerful European-based vegetarian lobby group with tentacles deep in Washington D.C.

Jewish texts are replete with examples of meat consumption. For example, when Abraham invited guests he served meat, not tofu. When the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, they were given quail to eat. And Temple donations were made in the form of animals, eventually eaten by the high priests.

You don’t have to be religious to be a Zionist, but you can be a religious vegan. Are you confused yet? Read on.

If a Zionist was stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat but animals, would he eat meat? You bet he would! I’m also betting that a starving vegan would also eat the meat just as fast as the Zionist. Come to think of it, a stranded vegan might also drink his own urine.

Just the same, I’d sooner cook for myself.

Funny and Jewish is a clean, Jewish Humour website.

Studies and research are always popular subjects here at funnyandjewish. Our readers always tend to leave our site more quickly yet still more informed compared to those other funny Jewish humour sites. Feh!

If you haven’t checked out our other articles, they’re worth a read. And please don’t forget to leave a comment below.

Today we have an incredible find to add to our “Duh!” collection. Here it comes:

A new Jewish study concludes that if you’re happy at work, then you are generally more likely to be productive as well.

1, 2, 3, “Duh!”

Jewish economists in Israel whose job it is to conduct studies for universities, found happiness makes us all around 15% more productive.

The study will be published in a Jewish journal aptly called “You Don’t Say?”, and will also include case studies of 144 experiments with more than 3,000 Jewish participants.

The study’s leader and chief Marxist said: “Under scientifically controlled conditions, making workers happier pays off for everyone in the collective and on the kibbutz”.

Fellow Israeli researcher and Jewish communist think-tank liaison said “happier” workers (i.e. rich, rich, rich) tend to use their time more effectively (personal banking rather than working), increasing their pace without sacrificing the quality of their work.

This study should put to rest all those other studies that claim this kind of research and the conclusions that they draw are useless.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish humour website.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

Syria’s Black Friday online sales topped $1 (all sales in US figures) for the first time this year as more Syrian consumers used the Internet to do their holiday shopping.

Online sales exploded by as much as 100% on Black Friday, up from absolutely nothing on the exact same day of last year or any day of any year, according to those who keep these kinds of figures.

And accordingly, these figures mean something. Last year, for example, many people bought many e-things online. But not in Syria, where its easier to wake up without a kidney than it is to manage your e-commerce spending.

However, the good news is that e-commerce spending is growing much faster than the Syrian brick-and-mortar retail stores because the Syrian brick-and-mortar retail stores are no longer left standing.
Funny Jewish Humour (Jewish humor)

Clown’s Visit to Hamas-Controlled Gaza Threatens Regional Stability

Treading where other Arab leaders have feared, Bozo The Clown received a hero’s welcome when he set his big floppy clown shoes down in Gaza for the very first time.

Bozo’s visit best illustrates a new Arab political strategy of extreme, yet diverse alliances amid a region rocked by turmoil.

“This goes far beyond anything any Arab leader would do and is certainly a bold step forward,” said a former Dubai Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus employee.

The visit is seen by many in the Arab League (not to be confused with the DC comics Justice League) to be the largest diplomatic victory for Hamas since ousting Mahmoud Abbas and his Fatah party from power in 2007.

The Palestinian Authority is understandably livid, fearing Bozo’s presence has further legitimized Hamas.

In a speech delivered at Gaza’s General Hospital and Armory, Bozo urged all warring Palestinian factions to reconcile, and then began honking every nose within reach.

As for Israel, the IDF is officially “uncomfortable” with Bozo’s ersatz diplomatic visit and slapstick approach to mid-east politics. Observers note that it is quite unusual for a clown of Bozo’s stature to publicly take sides on such a contentious issue.

“Geopolitics is usually not within the scope of a children’s entertainer. By publicly embracing Hamas, Bozo has thrown years of middle-east peace negotiations under a bus.”

The final and most critical question is whether other notable luminaries such as Sid and Marty Krofft’s 1970’s Saturday morning TV characters (H.R. Pufnstuf, The Banana Splits, Sigmund And The Sea Monster) might also appear in the Palestinian-controlled territories in advance of next week’s Muslim Brotherhood’s arrival?

Funny Jewish Humour

The lovely prayer meeting with my friend turned out to be a nightmare. Sure we had a couple of l’chiams before we began to pray but so what?

I was poorly prepared when he not only had wine, but gulped down some cognac and concluded with a couple of scotches.

After the last “Amen”, I ended up taking his car keys and checked him into a local hotel. I all seemed so undramatic until I realized that I had to pray again with this tomorrow morning. What was I going to say to him?

It is always a painful to watch a friend or associate behave badly while praying after downing one too many. Fiends and colleagues are likely to know someone who is abusing alcohol with prayer long before the rabbi does, helping to steer him away from trouble.

Try this: If your friend could endangers his community’s’ prayers from being accepted by God, take away his car keys, call him a cab, look him in the eye and tell hem to pray elsewhere.

You can always find a 10th guy anywhere.

Remember, never be accusing. Instead of saying something like “Wow, you were really drunk this morning”, say “I felt incredibly embarrassed for you after you told that joke during the mourner’s prayer”. Maybe you have a drinking problem or perhaps you’re simply experiencing difficulty with Jewish prayer.

If your Shul/Synagogue/Temple/Tent/etc. has a member assistance program, steer him in that direction. If that resource is unavailable, suggest contacting an alcohol treatment center for up-to-date information of local prayer times.

Sometimes being kind means being tough to protect your minion. It is never easy to speak up to someone who is self-destructing with prayer and alcohol. Still, 9 out of 10 rabbis say it’s the right thing to do. The 10th is still off drunk.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

A Funny Question for our Jewish Humour Answer Lady …

Dear Funny Jewish Answer Lady,

I’m a college student who doesn’t pray; end of story. I was raised by atheists and it was instilled in me not to pray until I turned 21.  My housemates pray and pressure me to pray.

Now my friends won’t invite me out ‘cuz they think I’ll bring about a curse. They won’t even give me a chance to prove how much fun I can be without praying.

Anyway, one night I gave in and had a few words of prayer.

All of a sudden, my roommates started inviting me to parties. When I went, I felt very uncomfortable, yet, at the same time, people were finally accepting me.

Is it wrong to change what I believe in so that I can have a common bond with my new friends? I am so torn on what I should do…pray occasionally and have some friends, or stick to what I believe in and sit alone while everyone I know talks to God.

What should I do?

– Torn

Dear Torn,

Why does everyone still assume I’m a lady?

Following a Russian announcement banning all foreign adoptions of same-sex Russian dogs and cats by U.S. couples, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that Russia may “amend existing agreements” to outlaw pet adoption by couples from countries where same-sex pet ownership is legal.

In other words, a couple from France, where same-sex pet ownership has just been freshly legalized, would not be allowed to adopt a Russian puppy because the chance that it would grow up with a sister or brother would be “devastating to that mutt,” politician Marina Orgeyeva said. Responding to Orgeyeva’s statement, Putin merely said, “Yah; I guess she’s right.”

“We respect our partners but also ask that they respect our culture’s ethical traditions, our legal and moral standards. I believe we have the right to make amendments”, Putin explained during a meeting with his legislators.

Earlier in the week, Putin paid a visit to the popular Russian TV game show “What’s My Name?” and discussed the same topic with the contestants. The program ran for a record 14 hours and 58 minutes.

Putin’s argument is that it is impossible to apply European attitudes regarding how Russia sees same-sex pet ownership. “Europe has its own standards, the USA has theirs, but ours is different,” he said.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

Jewish Humor News

Jewish sons and daughters are being asked to return all “Danger Pay” paid out to them over the years for having to eat their mother’s cooking.

These aforementioned monies were originally awarded by the World Body of International Jewery – a quasi-legal organization likened to Rabbies Without Borders, to Jewish children as a recompense for the hardships of “enduring edibles inflicted upon them from the time of their birth that, in all other societies and cultures would be tantamount to child abuse”.

The amount of individual repayments will be determined by how much one ate over the years.

With files from a Jewish humorist, and that’s being kind.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

A Saudi woman was released on bail after being ticketed for driving while being a female.

Having been detained for 10 days for breaking the ultra-ultra-conservative kingdom’s ban on women drivers, her lawyer (not a woman) hopes the case will soon be closed.

The medical assistant was arrested after posting a video of herself driving a car ALONE. The serial divorce explained that getting around the Arabian peninsula was often too difficult.

Women in Saudi Arabia must rely on male relatives for rides providing they are too poor to hire chauffeurs.

However, it wasn’t her driving that was the problem. It was her speeding to the border that got her arrested.

A petition calling for her release garnered 5 signatures on a Facebook page. None of the signatures included Angelina Jolie, Susan Sarandon or Madonna primarily because she’s too old to adopt, feed or mold.

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.

Hasbro Games is finally saying goodbye to one of its famous Monopoly pieces and letting you, Saul Q. Public choose its replacement.

Remember, this is a Special Limited Monopoly Edition – Jewish Version.

So which new token will it be? Your voice needs to be heard.

Vote now.

Vote often.

Here are your choices:

(1) Golden Calf – (2) Sabbath Crock Pot – (3) Moses and Staff – (4) Wine Kiddish Cup –

(5) Dreidel – (6) Havdalah Candle – VOTE VOTE VOTE

Funny and Jewish is a clean Jewish Humour (Jewish humor) website.