ABC Nets New Host for ‘The View’
It’s official: New York’s fabled ‘Talking Fish’ has been chosen to replace a convalescing Barbara Walters on ABC’s The View.
Ms. Walters who once had a legitimate career interviewing such heavyweights as Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat, now prefers to schmooze celebrities about movies and how world politics affect their affluent lifestyles.
The surprise announcement was made by Ms. Walters as she was rushed through the cardiac wing of Manhattan’s Mount Sinai Hospital for corrective heart surgery. Holding court inside the O.R. after being prepped, she admitted that she really wasn’t there for collagen lip treatments or for breast augmentation; 2 persistent rumors she did very little to deny on her daytime program.
The show’s creator and executive producer was beaming effusively under the lights as the anesthesiologist tried several times, unsuccessfully, to put her under. “This is going to take an extra dose”, he said. “The older ones usually don’t go down fighting but this one’s tenacious”.
ABC wasted little time announcing a summer replacement for the network’s long-running female gabfest.
Something Smells Fishy at ‘The View’
When informed that she would be sharing the stage with a talking carp, co-host Whoopi Goldberg became livid. The Oscar-winning actress herself was originally hired as a replacement for the frequently controversial Rosie O’Donnell who left the show for a barroom brawl weeks before her contract expired. “What’s wrong with who we have now? I ain’t gonna sit next to no carp” she said emphatically. At least, that was until renegotiations in the I.C.U. broke down.
When the ‘Talking Fish’ first appeared in New Square, New York, he admonished customers for not buying him for their Sabbath meal. Locals swear the fish was a reincarnated rabbi whose task was to bring the town to repent, then subsequently be served as lunch to God-fearing, merit-worthy gluttons.
Surprisingly few customers took notice of the ‘Talking Fish’ in view of the store’s insanely low, low, prices.
Well…he’s back and singing a different tune. Gone are yesterday’s prophesies of doom and gloom. At his first press conference, Doug said he wants to be more convivial, less apoplectic. “People today no longer want to hear messages like repent or else!!! This time around I won’t be focusing so much on the negative.”
Doug the Talking Fish also admitted to being just as surprised as everyone else at having been chosen. When a reporter from the back mentioned that he had no prior hosting experience, the straight-talking fish shot back: “Hey, I’m not a woman either and they still hired me. I obviously have something to offer aside from a pretty face. Charlie the Tuna ain’t got nothing on me man.”
When his contract expires at the end of summer, Doug will have many options to weigh on his scales including an offer to host a wildlife fishing show. “That would just be gross on so many levels” he said, swimming away from the press conference.
[FunnyAndJewish saw the above picture at Conservative American.org and found it hilariously disturbing!]