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New Israeli Party Winning Voters


Funny Jewish Israeli Politics

These days, it seems that you can’t walk through an Arab country without running into either a mass demonstration or a public uprising. (see Egyptians Want A New Pharaoh)

In this kettle of Middle-East reformation, a small Jewish interest group has quietly mutated into a new Israeli political party – The Jewish Brotherhood, and it is intent on reshaping Israeli politics…forever.

WHO ARE THESE NEW POLITICAL ACTIVISTS?

Broadly speaking, they are your fathers, brothers, uncles and your uncle’s gardeners. Specifically, they are synagogue members who enjoy breakfast meetings, tax write-offs and donor recognition in the form of prominently displayed plaques. If not for their efforts and love of golf, the imprinting and plaque-manufacturing sector would be totally devastated.

As far as religious affiliation is concerned, it is not so much a case of “don’t ask don’t tell” as it is “who cares?” The Jewish Brotherhood does not discriminate if you wear a kippah or a Speedo. Yes, Reconstructionist Jews are also welcome!

These men share one single, common bond: Guys united by fully paid memberships dues.

WHY ARE JEWS WANDERING TO THE ‘BROTHERHOOD’?

Two reasons account for the sudden rise in the Jewish Brotherhood’s popularity:

(1) The Brotherhood’s ACTION AGENDA: A straight forward, no nonsense manifesto embracing social committees, fund raising events (overpriced but well-intentioned), and Missions to Israel (learning for men – shopping and spa tours for ladies).

(2) The party’s aforementioned Action Agenda, or A.A. seems to have attracted huge crowds of intoxicated and recovering drunks who mistakenly thought they were joining Alcoholics Anonymous. Once sober, they inexplicably find themselves  attracted to Zionism.

HERE COME THE JEWS!

There are worries within secular circles that once in power, the Jewish Brotherhood will immediately (OMG!) implement Jewish law in the most Jewishly populous country in the world i.e. Israel.

The group dismisses these concerns and rejects accusations they are jihadist “per se”, insisting they only want gradual transformation.

Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein, Golan Heights Party Chapter President: “The only thing preventing us from seizing power is the law. That is why we want to start our own party. It is also a lot safer and far less bloody.”

History has shown that the odds of being successful are formidable. Organizing brotherhood associations in synagogue basements is one thing. Starting a national movement in a country with the world’s most political parties per capita is quite another.

STRATEGY: THE CLASSIC SEAT-BY-SEAT APPROACH

Slow and steady seems to be the course.

Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein Sr. (no relation but a long-time member) agrees. “What’s the rush? We’ve waited this long for unity. How long have you waited for good service at a kosher restaurant? (long pause) Exactly.”

And that is why The Jewish Brotherhood is winning the hearts of Israelis.

“First we’ll start with getting a seat on a Jerusalem bus, then we’ll worry about winning seats in the Knesset. Look. It’s a long ride for me. I’m old and I hate to stand the entire way through the Old City.”

At this rate, the Jewish Brotherhood should form a majority government in another 5,000 years.

WHO WANTS IN?

Notwithstanding the potential violence and assumptive vote rigging associated with Israeli elections, the question becomes whose vote does the Jewish Brotherhood want to capture?

The answer: Apparently everyone’s.

Whereas previous left-wing candidates ran under the slogan “Fight Terror With A Smile” (to little success), they now feel welcome at the Brotherhood. Moreover, conservative voters attracted to tremendous tax write-offs for every conceivable program offered also find the Jewish Brotherhood appealing.

So long as there are Jewish men able to claim tax receipts, there will be a need for the Jewish Brotherhood.

As Mohammed “Moish” Goldstein says, “the beauty is that we’re not tied to any single ideology except that all dues must be paid up in full. I just can’t stress that more.”

*Ed Note Re Membership Dues – The Jewish Brotherhood now has “compassion structures” in place to accommodate the less financially fortunate. Rather than shaming members to pay over 10-15 years (as past practices of hazing have proven to fail), shlepers can participate in all Brotherhood activities, but are often compelled to caddy at golf tourneys and bus tables at fundraisers. Other than that, everyone gets one vote and all are equal.

Funny And Jewish is a satirical humour website

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