Funny And Jewish

Breaking Jewish Satire

At his weekly cabinet meeting, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu presented a proposal to host the Olympics.

The government hopes it has finally hit on a viable, far-sighted plan to stimulate the economy while attracting foreign investment. “Unlike our regional neighbors, our goal is to boost international tourism, not terrorism.”

When you think of Jews, who doesn’t think of sports?

“I believe that the Land of Israel is not just a land for Jews. It should also be the premier destination for every wealthy, jet-setting, sports-loving non-Jew. Imagine all of the World’s nations entering our Stadium singing ‘This Year in Jerusalem’. Why, it’s almost biblical”.

The misty-eyed Prime Minister then wiped away what looked like a self-inflicted tear. “All are welcome. Jews, gentiles and everyone in between, providing they enter legally and not on flotillas. I just love saying that.”

Speaking from his suite at the Gaza Hilton (an exquisitely furnished bomb shelter safely nestled inside an orphanage), the Chief Palestinian negotiator set a Guinness Book World Record for ‘the greatest amount of hyperbole in a single-breath exhalation’: “This is simply a transparent, contemptible and cheap attempt to divert attention away from Israel’s intransigence and inability to resolve the Jerusalem housing crisis that is threatening to destroy an already fragile peace process”, which he managed to finish while punctuating his final words with smoke rings.

Hearing this, the Israeli Deputy Minister for Fixing Things became enraged. “Cheap attempt? I don’t think so. Do you know how much it costs to build all those Jewish homes? Besides, he’s just being a pain in the Abbas”.

Who wants the END-of-DAYS overshadowed by the triathlon?

Japan’s Jewish spiritual leader and former restaurateur Rabbi Beni Hana flew to Israel to weigh in on the debate. His organization ‘Matzah Not Circuses’ is critical of any attempt to embrace the “Hellenistic ideal Judaism repudiated”, most evidenced by the celebration of Chanukah. And don’t forget the ensuing traffic nightmares should both these events converge.

“It’s simply impossible to get around anywhere unless you drive an army vehicle and the Messiah’s not even here yet. The whole concept is just meshugana. When was the last time an Israeli said, “You know, I’d rather take the car. Its safer”?

We have a 229-year window to pull this off. And that’s in Jewish Time!

Rabbi Beni Hana presented several Jewish texts confirming that the Messiah must come by the Hebrew year 6,000 (or maybe not). Given that the current year is 5,771 (or 2010 on the Julian calendar), time seems to be on the PM’s side. His Likud party has roughly 229 years to fix Israel’s roadways.

Apparently that’s not good enough though. The entire Knesset, including the cleaning staff has threatened to force an election.

Mount of Olives or Mount Olympus?

Rather than constructing stadiums, Rabbi Hana would prefer the use of government shekels to build the Third Temple.

“What are the Olympics anyway? Just a nod to the ancient Greeks and where are they today? They’ve disappeared. Except for that slouvaki vendor just outside the Jaffa Gate. I would rather make sacrifices at the Third Temple, than sacrifice to pay for those costly tickets. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for sporting competition. But if you want to see real bloodletting, stick around for Y6K!”

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