AT&T’s rejection of Tiger Woods had left many speculating on where the company’s future sponsorship plans lay.
Finally, the telecommunications giant unveiled its’ new direction, announcing it will sponsor every single Kiddish in the United States for the next 10 years.
AT&T Chairman, CEO and President Randall L. Stephenson could not be reached for comment. Not because he declined, but because our calls kept getting dropped.
The job to meet the press was left to a company spokesman who refused to be identified.
“Let’s face it; Jews like to talk and Jews like to eat. Talk and eat. Eat and talk. And hopefully not at the same time.”
“Our research shows that phone users are more religious than e-mailers. They’re always calling friends and family with good news thanking God for this and for that. Of course, the rest of the time they’re blaming God for all their woes and miseries. But that motivates them to go out to Shul and pray, where we will see them shortly afterward at Kiddish.
The money we saved dropping Woods allows us to sponsor every Kiddish anywhere in the free world, providing regional governments have deregulated local long-distance service.
What I’m saying is, where there’s choice, there’s a Kiddish. Hey, that just might be our new slogan. Let’s make a l’chiam!”
In fact, AT&T’s new slogan “Reach Out And Call God” retires “Reach Out and Touch Someone”, originally launched in 1979. The new motto is designed to encourage all Jews to “get busy with prayer”.
Still, not everyone in the Jewish community is impressed.
“Where’s it going to stop?” and “where will it all end?” asked Rabbis Rosencrants and Guildenstern (religious thespians and popular guest speakers). “Soon our Synagogues will all look like Indy 500 race cars with corporate sponsorship on everything from the Aaron Kodesh where the Torah is kept to the Rabbi’s podium.”
“WE’RE HOLDING OUT FOR CORPORATE BABY-NAMING RIGHTS”.
And just how this new arrangement will translate into sales is anyone’s guess.
Support in the international business community remains mixed. Whereas many ‘Fortune 500’ companies are closely watching the impact of the AT&T/Kiddish alignment, others believe the company will never get enough ‘bang for its advertising buck’.
“Signage is fine. But if we commit, we’re holding out for corporate baby-naming rights”, screamed Verizon’s Vice-President running through the press conference.
Most agree that the AT&T maneuver opens a new marketing frontier, with others eager to jump on the bandwagon. It is rumored that Nike, Gillette and Gatorade are all lining up to sponsor the Maccabi Games, including the closing gala event, “A Night Of A Thousand Jews”.
In the meantime, the phone company will continue to assist the player’s (no pun intended) school for underprivileged children. The (US) 25 million dollar Tiger Woods Learning Center was opened in 2006, with a public address given by former President Bill Clinton…Hey, no surprise there. Seems that they’re both made of the same stuff.
Funny And Jewish is a satirical humor website